So, it's been awhile since I last wrote. I believe that I mentioned that I met another man. Needless to say, after many texts, many emails, many phone calls and long weekend fun times with him. He asked me to marry him on October 26. We met on ChristianMingle and we hit it off. Never did I imagine that God would bless me so quickly with bringing another Godly man into my life.
We met on June 7 and less than five months later he asked me to marry him. I said 'YES'. We plan to wed on February 15, 2014. The excitement continues to build inside of me as we plan our wedding.
But with the excitement comes lots of emotions yet for me. With losing Robert and the change of my life so quickly. It soon will be a year since losing mom and I'm feeling the absence of her life here on earth. I miss talking with her. There is so much a part of me that wishes she was here so I could tell her all about Paul and Mary Beth. I am finally giving her a 'step' granddaughter. Something I thought would never happen. But yet in this life's journey, God has a way of bringing things around.
It is yet again, that I am going to pack my house and move to another city. A city foreign to me but yet has new and exciting adventures for the future. A whole new world for me. God in is infinite power and wisdom, His love for us knows how to move us and knows us to the depth of giving us what we need. Not necessarily what we want but what we need.
I have found over this past year that God is faithful. When we make that commitment to Him and lay our lives down for His glory, He takes us seriously. People all around me are seeing God's faithfulness to me and how He has carried me in this past year. For your glory God....for your Glory. It is a good thing we do not know what lies ahead of us. We would probably run the other direction.
Where is God in your lifee today?
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
A Friend
So a couple of weeks ago, I met a friend. It has been nice to have someone that wants to communicate with me. We text, email, call all the time. I have met him twice in person. This weekend we have plans for a days drive to Knotts Island. I'm looking forward to the time together.
The healing continues to come. Even since meeting my friend, the part of me that died with Robert is being raised back up. There is a glimmer of joy once again in my life.
I am thankful to God for how He has provided. He has watched over me the last 8 1/2 month. He has placed around me the right people that I know has my best interest in mind. From the pastor I worked with, my lawyer, my accountant, my counselor, Bob and Vicki, the hospital where Robert was, many other pastors and friends in the area. And my family back home. I am alone but not really. The Lord has been faithful.
Right now I'm enjoying my new friend. He is a widower with a 19 year old daughter. He lost both his parents a year after his wife so he knows what I'm walking through. He has been wonderful with me. We both are free to talk about our spouses if a story comes up. I don't have to hide the fact that I have been married or to hide Robert. Robert will always be a part of me. My life with him changed me.
I thank The Lord He brought this friend in my life. I am liking the companionship.
Lord, thank you. You are faithful. You will supply my every need.
The healing continues to come. Even since meeting my friend, the part of me that died with Robert is being raised back up. There is a glimmer of joy once again in my life.
I am thankful to God for how He has provided. He has watched over me the last 8 1/2 month. He has placed around me the right people that I know has my best interest in mind. From the pastor I worked with, my lawyer, my accountant, my counselor, Bob and Vicki, the hospital where Robert was, many other pastors and friends in the area. And my family back home. I am alone but not really. The Lord has been faithful.
Right now I'm enjoying my new friend. He is a widower with a 19 year old daughter. He lost both his parents a year after his wife so he knows what I'm walking through. He has been wonderful with me. We both are free to talk about our spouses if a story comes up. I don't have to hide the fact that I have been married or to hide Robert. Robert will always be a part of me. My life with him changed me.
I thank The Lord He brought this friend in my life. I am liking the companionship.
Lord, thank you. You are faithful. You will supply my every need.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Healing Continues to Come
Healing Continues to Come in unexpected ways.
I recently met a friend. They sent me a link to a song. A song by Laura Story. A powerful song but one that has been hard for me to listen to since Robert's passing. Listening in the context of sitting here in the comfort of my home and not driving. The tears burned my eyes as the strolled down my cheeks. It touched a very deep place. The place of worship and intimacy in my life. The place that God dwells.
On the screen also had the history behind the song. Knowing the reason and the purpose and Laura's story, it touched my heart in a deep way. And yet another song was there so I played it as well. The tears continued to flow. The power of healing through song and a friend who cared.
It is at this time that I am finally able to listen once again to Christian radio.
Maybe one day I will be able to pray out loud with people again. My prayers since Robert's passing have only been tears. In public and in private.
God knows what we need. He knows how to get the sorrow out of our hearts. He knows and He is gentle with His caring heart.
The Lord is faithful to His children.
I recently met a friend. They sent me a link to a song. A song by Laura Story. A powerful song but one that has been hard for me to listen to since Robert's passing. Listening in the context of sitting here in the comfort of my home and not driving. The tears burned my eyes as the strolled down my cheeks. It touched a very deep place. The place of worship and intimacy in my life. The place that God dwells.
On the screen also had the history behind the song. Knowing the reason and the purpose and Laura's story, it touched my heart in a deep way. And yet another song was there so I played it as well. The tears continued to flow. The power of healing through song and a friend who cared.
It is at this time that I am finally able to listen once again to Christian radio.
Maybe one day I will be able to pray out loud with people again. My prayers since Robert's passing have only been tears. In public and in private.
God knows what we need. He knows how to get the sorrow out of our hearts. He knows and He is gentle with His caring heart.
The Lord is faithful to His children.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Phone Call
So I have heard many stories of folks who have lost loved ones, where they go to tell their spouse something and then remember they are not there. So far, I hadn't done that. I just knew that neither Robert nor my mom were there.
Just today at the end of my work day, I thought the day is almost over and when I get home I can call Robert and run over to the store. Wow! It took me back a little when I had to remind myself there is no more Robert and there is no more store.
For the last several days, I have had that desire to call mom on numerous occasions. And yet again, I had to remind myself she is not there.
What used to be a phone call away does not exist any more.
Take every advantage to say 'I love you' to your loved ones. Please don't take them for granted. One day you may wake up and they won't be there.
O to have one more phone call to either my Robert or to my mom.
Living life today and going forward. Thank you Lord for your grace.
Just today at the end of my work day, I thought the day is almost over and when I get home I can call Robert and run over to the store. Wow! It took me back a little when I had to remind myself there is no more Robert and there is no more store.
For the last several days, I have had that desire to call mom on numerous occasions. And yet again, I had to remind myself she is not there.
What used to be a phone call away does not exist any more.
Take every advantage to say 'I love you' to your loved ones. Please don't take them for granted. One day you may wake up and they won't be there.
O to have one more phone call to either my Robert or to my mom.
Living life today and going forward. Thank you Lord for your grace.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Glimmer of Hope
Since Robert's passing, I have read a lot. You see things, you hear things, some things that are helpful and some I can't seem to agree with. You hold on to those things that help you in your time of distress.
One of the things I kept seeing was how people think that our loved ones become angels. Is there really proof in the Bible regarding this? Or is it just a simple way that one wants to believe in something that really may not be real.
Some believe that our loved ones are in heaven watching over us. This one has bothered me, as I can't believe that Robert would want to watch me in my time of grief and not be able to do something about it. Plus, if I do ever remarry, do I really want him to be watching me with my new husband. Just saying, as some folks like to say.
But tonight during my GriefShare group I had a bit of a revelation. I wonder how true this could possibly be.
If when we all get to heaven, we will know each other. For Robert and I, not as husband and wife but more as brother and sister in The Lord. So my revelation was, if Robert will know me when I get to heaven, does he remember me now. Can he be praying for me, especially with the situation that I am facing with my/our house. It was a battle he fought for a few years before I joined him and now I have been carrying since he passed. He is free from the worry and the stress of carrying the battle but is he, my husband, praying for me during this time? It was a comforting thought. Time is coming closer to seeing if I will be free of this battle that he carried for many years and is now free of.
This is something that I would like to inquire from some scholars to see if there may be any truth.
Even if my Robert is not praying, as he is now about our Heavenly Father's business, I can rest assure that I do have One intercessor praying for me. Jesus is my intercessor.
A small glimmer of Hope....a small glimmer of feeling close to my Robert once again. It once again connected me to heaven like I was when he first died.
O Lord, may Your Truth be made known. To know your ways and your thoughts. Let us not be deceived in our own thinking but let Your Truth reign here on Earth as it does in heaven.
Thank you Lord for your wisdom and understanding. Thank you for your grace for these past eight months. I continue to give you my life. A broken vessel that has crumbled. You and only You can put me back together.
One of the things I kept seeing was how people think that our loved ones become angels. Is there really proof in the Bible regarding this? Or is it just a simple way that one wants to believe in something that really may not be real.
Some believe that our loved ones are in heaven watching over us. This one has bothered me, as I can't believe that Robert would want to watch me in my time of grief and not be able to do something about it. Plus, if I do ever remarry, do I really want him to be watching me with my new husband. Just saying, as some folks like to say.
But tonight during my GriefShare group I had a bit of a revelation. I wonder how true this could possibly be.
If when we all get to heaven, we will know each other. For Robert and I, not as husband and wife but more as brother and sister in The Lord. So my revelation was, if Robert will know me when I get to heaven, does he remember me now. Can he be praying for me, especially with the situation that I am facing with my/our house. It was a battle he fought for a few years before I joined him and now I have been carrying since he passed. He is free from the worry and the stress of carrying the battle but is he, my husband, praying for me during this time? It was a comforting thought. Time is coming closer to seeing if I will be free of this battle that he carried for many years and is now free of.
This is something that I would like to inquire from some scholars to see if there may be any truth.
Even if my Robert is not praying, as he is now about our Heavenly Father's business, I can rest assure that I do have One intercessor praying for me. Jesus is my intercessor.
A small glimmer of Hope....a small glimmer of feeling close to my Robert once again. It once again connected me to heaven like I was when he first died.
O Lord, may Your Truth be made known. To know your ways and your thoughts. Let us not be deceived in our own thinking but let Your Truth reign here on Earth as it does in heaven.
Thank you Lord for your wisdom and understanding. Thank you for your grace for these past eight months. I continue to give you my life. A broken vessel that has crumbled. You and only You can put me back together.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Hate
Hate is a very strong word. According to Webster:
A: intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury
B: extreme dislike or antipathy: LOTHING hate of hard work
Today over 8 months since losing Robert, a sense of hate stirs in my heart.
Hate that I do not have my husband.
Hate that my life has totally turned upside down.
Hate that I have to wake each morning without finding my husband in my bed.
Hate that every evening going to sleep, it is by myself.
Hate that I don't have Robert to take care.
Hate that it took me 42 years to find Robert and only had him for 5 years.
Hate that I will never see my Robert’s eyes, smile or hear his laugh or his voice.
Hate that I have to go on with life without my Robert.
Hate it that my joy has been lost. I loved my life with Robert.
Hate that now I no longer have my parents as well.
My worst nightmare has happened. I have lost my family.
The grief and loss is heavy. It is taking a toll on my body.
Can The Lord truly turn my life around?
I continue to give my life to The Lord.
I lift my eyes unto the hills, whence comes my help? My help comes from the The Lord. Psalm 121
I hurt Lord.
A: intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury
B: extreme dislike or antipathy: LOTHING hate of hard work
Today over 8 months since losing Robert, a sense of hate stirs in my heart.
Hate that I do not have my husband.
Hate that my life has totally turned upside down.
Hate that I have to wake each morning without finding my husband in my bed.
Hate that every evening going to sleep, it is by myself.
Hate that I don't have Robert to take care.
Hate that it took me 42 years to find Robert and only had him for 5 years.
Hate that I will never see my Robert’s eyes, smile or hear his laugh or his voice.
Hate that I have to go on with life without my Robert.
Hate it that my joy has been lost. I loved my life with Robert.
Hate that now I no longer have my parents as well.
My worst nightmare has happened. I have lost my family.
The grief and loss is heavy. It is taking a toll on my body.
Can The Lord truly turn my life around?
I continue to give my life to The Lord.
I lift my eyes unto the hills, whence comes my help? My help comes from the The Lord. Psalm 121
I hurt Lord.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Perseverance
When everything in your life changes, life requires perseverance. Whether we like it or not, we have to keep going or life will pass you by.
After the death of your spouse and it feels like half of you died, you have to keep walking. Three months later when your mom dies, it comes to the point of just holding on to the One above. Letting God carry you and walk in The Lord's grace.
The blows that hit you, they hit hard. Everything you go to do is different. All those around are you are new. It's a new life. New friends. New Church. New co-workers.
Carrying grief is heavy. All the decisions you have to make takes a lot out of you. Making new friends can take a lot out you, it is a total blessing but can be weary.
Last week I started walking with a group from the college in my neighborhood. I'm getting exercise and meeting new people. Last night I went to a ladies group with a friend that I just met this year at another 'new' ladies group that I have been attending this year.
One looks for the familiar but when the familiar is not there, you have to keep going. There is no going back. Only looking forward and moving forward. At times I would love to stay in the state of grieving and shock and unbelief but I know it is not healthy. Also, I learned this with my sister's death 30 years ago. I had just turned 17 and saw life taken. I still remember my thougths 'why live if you are just going to die'. I struggled with this for many years. The Lord graciously healed me. There was a time when I had to chose to live and to chose life. It is now at this same time with losing Robert that I have to chose to live. I have to chose to go on with life.
I'm ready. I do chose life. I thank God for my time with Robert. He will always be a part of my life. He made a huge impact on my life and my life is much different today than it was five years ago.
To go on with life takes perseverance. Thank you Lord for your strength. Thank you for carrying me. Thank you for being there and never leaving me. You are my everything.
After the death of your spouse and it feels like half of you died, you have to keep walking. Three months later when your mom dies, it comes to the point of just holding on to the One above. Letting God carry you and walk in The Lord's grace.
The blows that hit you, they hit hard. Everything you go to do is different. All those around are you are new. It's a new life. New friends. New Church. New co-workers.
Carrying grief is heavy. All the decisions you have to make takes a lot out of you. Making new friends can take a lot out you, it is a total blessing but can be weary.
Last week I started walking with a group from the college in my neighborhood. I'm getting exercise and meeting new people. Last night I went to a ladies group with a friend that I just met this year at another 'new' ladies group that I have been attending this year.
One looks for the familiar but when the familiar is not there, you have to keep going. There is no going back. Only looking forward and moving forward. At times I would love to stay in the state of grieving and shock and unbelief but I know it is not healthy. Also, I learned this with my sister's death 30 years ago. I had just turned 17 and saw life taken. I still remember my thougths 'why live if you are just going to die'. I struggled with this for many years. The Lord graciously healed me. There was a time when I had to chose to live and to chose life. It is now at this same time with losing Robert that I have to chose to live. I have to chose to go on with life.
I'm ready. I do chose life. I thank God for my time with Robert. He will always be a part of my life. He made a huge impact on my life and my life is much different today than it was five years ago.
To go on with life takes perseverance. Thank you Lord for your strength. Thank you for carrying me. Thank you for being there and never leaving me. You are my everything.
Monday, May 20, 2013
New Hope
From total exhaustion to feeling inspired...
Lots of dreams and desires going through my head. Yes, my heart is still hurting and I know there are still tears to shed but I feel a sense of hope.
New Bucket List as some folks say:
Travel to Oregon to see my sister Cindy.
Travel to California to see my friend Lisa.
Travel to Arkansas to see my friend Donna.
Possibly 2014 (if they still do the trips) a mission trip to Morocco with friends from Spain.
Still lots to do. Still feel weak. But a new day is coming.
Thank you Lord for your hope in my heart. I continue to give you my life. Only in You and You alone comes my strength.
Lots of dreams and desires going through my head. Yes, my heart is still hurting and I know there are still tears to shed but I feel a sense of hope.
New Bucket List as some folks say:
Travel to Oregon to see my sister Cindy.
Travel to California to see my friend Lisa.
Travel to Arkansas to see my friend Donna.
Possibly 2014 (if they still do the trips) a mission trip to Morocco with friends from Spain.
Still lots to do. Still feel weak. But a new day is coming.
Thank you Lord for your hope in my heart. I continue to give you my life. Only in You and You alone comes my strength.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Total Exhaustion
On Friday, May 17, I celebrated what would have been our 5th Anniversary getting the car oil changed, having lunch with a friend and a bit of shopping. Then, I thought another friend was coming for the weekend but her car broke down and I spent the weekend by myself.
In some ways, it was probably better. My body hit total exhaustion. There is a battle that my husband and I faced. Something that my husband was walking through alone till we got married. It was a heavy battle. Now, I just got word from my lawyer this past week and I think the battle is about over. With all of the grief of losing Robert and my mom, as well as, being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. And as my lawyer said 'he doesn't think there is a train there'. My body gave way.
It has been a long time, but yesterday I did absolutely nothing but check facebook, email, play solitaire and watch movies. Now today I am still tired but plan on going to church.
Our plans have been moved to next weekend for getting together. Still looking forward to my time with my friend.
There are times when we have to give ourselves permission to grieve, time to rest and let our bodies heal.
Lord, I welcome You to come and strengthen my body. I thank you Lord that the battle belongs to you. I thank you for your faithfulness.
The battle is almost over.
In some ways, it was probably better. My body hit total exhaustion. There is a battle that my husband and I faced. Something that my husband was walking through alone till we got married. It was a heavy battle. Now, I just got word from my lawyer this past week and I think the battle is about over. With all of the grief of losing Robert and my mom, as well as, being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. And as my lawyer said 'he doesn't think there is a train there'. My body gave way.
It has been a long time, but yesterday I did absolutely nothing but check facebook, email, play solitaire and watch movies. Now today I am still tired but plan on going to church.
Our plans have been moved to next weekend for getting together. Still looking forward to my time with my friend.
There are times when we have to give ourselves permission to grieve, time to rest and let our bodies heal.
Lord, I welcome You to come and strengthen my body. I thank you Lord that the battle belongs to you. I thank you for your faithfulness.
The battle is almost over.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Not A Surprise
Knowing God's Character, I feel this day that nothing is a surprise for Him. He knows every hair on our head. He knows us so intimately. He knows when we wake and we lie down to sleep.
As I experienced in Israel back in 2006, God knew where I was. I was lost in a city by myself but yet He was there. He showed Himself in a very real way. It is now with those same thoughts that nothing is a surprise for Him. I count it a privilege to have Robert for the five years that I did. Today as I write this, it would have been our 5th Anniversary. My heart is grateful for the time that I had with him. I miss him terribly. My body has taken such a shock, I am weak and tired. I have no strength. Even when I'm walking and trying to eat right, my body is still weak.
My thoughts are wondering if I will ever have strength again. But one thing I know is that The Lord has not left me. Robert dying was not a surprise to Him. I was committed to my husband. We walked through some rough times, but I was committed to my husband and the covenant that I made before God. He is faithful. I am blessed beyond measure that I can serve our Lord, that I can put my trust in Him.
He saw Robert's desire to be married. I believe, The Lord saw what Robert would be walking through and he knew Robert would need a helpmate. I am so grateful that He counted me worthy to bring me into Robert's life when He did. I wished it would have been longer but I believe God sees the Big pictures of our lives. He was taken too soon but yet we live in a fallen world.
It is living our lives with 'No Regrets'. No one knows the last breathe they will take. Live your life fully unto The Lord.
Lord you are faithful. I continue to give you my life.
As I experienced in Israel back in 2006, God knew where I was. I was lost in a city by myself but yet He was there. He showed Himself in a very real way. It is now with those same thoughts that nothing is a surprise for Him. I count it a privilege to have Robert for the five years that I did. Today as I write this, it would have been our 5th Anniversary. My heart is grateful for the time that I had with him. I miss him terribly. My body has taken such a shock, I am weak and tired. I have no strength. Even when I'm walking and trying to eat right, my body is still weak.
My thoughts are wondering if I will ever have strength again. But one thing I know is that The Lord has not left me. Robert dying was not a surprise to Him. I was committed to my husband. We walked through some rough times, but I was committed to my husband and the covenant that I made before God. He is faithful. I am blessed beyond measure that I can serve our Lord, that I can put my trust in Him.
He saw Robert's desire to be married. I believe, The Lord saw what Robert would be walking through and he knew Robert would need a helpmate. I am so grateful that He counted me worthy to bring me into Robert's life when He did. I wished it would have been longer but I believe God sees the Big pictures of our lives. He was taken too soon but yet we live in a fallen world.
It is living our lives with 'No Regrets'. No one knows the last breathe they will take. Live your life fully unto The Lord.
Lord you are faithful. I continue to give you my life.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Living Life
When your whole world changes, what do you do? Figuring life out once again.
My life for the last 5years revolved around Robert and the bookstore. Whatever I did, I did for the two of us. Working part-time, paying bills, cleaning the house, mowing, laundry and whatever else I found to do. Then, usually most days heading to the store to spend some time with Robert. While at the store, we would need to find books, get them packaged up and then I would bring them home to finish bagging them to get them in the mail. We had over 17,000 books for sell on-line. It kept us busy.
So, now, I work part-time Monday-Friday 8:30-12:30 at a church. The rest of my time is for me to get things accomplished from both deaths. Still working on legal matters and needing to go through both houses and get rid of more stuff.
There are times now, where I am so tired so I do facebook quite a bit. And I day dream to find myself and the desires of my heart. Where? When? Why? How? What? Life is open to whatever I want to make of it now. I am no longer connected to anything or anyone. For 47 years, mom and dad were always there. Then, when I was 25 I went into YWAM. I knew The Lord wanted me to be apart of it and didn't feel the release from that ministry till I got married 18 years later. In 1997, I joined Bob and Vicki and traveled and ministered all over. Vicki was the one who got me on E-harmony whre I met and married Robert. Then, last summer I was released of being a coordinator with another ministry. And now, with both deaths, it is left with me with God.
Now, don't get me wrong, Bob and Vicki are still very much in my life. I have cousins, aunts and uncles and my grandma all who live out in Illinois. I have many friends all over the world and continue to gain more friends which I am so grateful for.
It's just now. I am living in a city unfamiliar to me except for the last 5 years of my life. I feel the whole world is open to me. I believed going into YWAM that God wanted to set me free. I had a lot of bondages and hurts especially with losing my sister when I just turned 17. Now, that I sit here and write this, that is what I felt The Lord told me when I went to YWAM that He was going to set me free, to heal me. How do you get healing with all the deaths that are involved with one's life. But I can rejoice because I know where they all are. It is getting through this grief that is upon me right now. There are no short cuts. There are no handguides to lead you. Each greif walk leads a different path for everyone.
I believe that God brought me into Robert's life for the last 5 years of his life. We/I thought we had more time together but we didn't. I am still living and I chose to live and get healing from losing my husband. I was able to bring joy and love and a safe haven for Robert to come home to. He carried a heavy load, one of which I'm still carrying but I'm hoping it is coming to an end soon.
It is now, I feel the door is wide-open for life. I'm seeing a counselor, I am a part of GriefShare which I feel is very timely for me. I just joined a group of women with one gentleman walking over at the college beside me. Wednesday nights I go to the church for a meal. And I have joined a ball room dancing group. There are other things on my heart and I want to venture out and see where it takes me. Growing up as a shy, farm girl, I didn't experience much and I was to afraid to do things by myself. It is now in my life, that I am doing things by myself. And I'm making it.
Yes, the afternoons and evenings get long. Yes, the weekends get long. But I am making it and I know that God is healing me.
Where will my life lead to? It's the first time since becoming a christian that I don't feel like ministry, although I think that may come back once I get stronger. Right now, my body is weak. I'm tired but my battle from the last 5 years is hopefully coming to an end.
Jesus died on the Cross to set us free. He desires to use us. He longs to give us the desire of our hearts. I know one day I will be joined again to Robert. Not as husband and wife but as children of God. That day that we all should long for.
I chose this day to live life. The life that Jesus died for to bring Him glory. My desire is that my life would be an example and that others would desire to know our Lord Jesus Christ.
How are you living your life?
My life for the last 5years revolved around Robert and the bookstore. Whatever I did, I did for the two of us. Working part-time, paying bills, cleaning the house, mowing, laundry and whatever else I found to do. Then, usually most days heading to the store to spend some time with Robert. While at the store, we would need to find books, get them packaged up and then I would bring them home to finish bagging them to get them in the mail. We had over 17,000 books for sell on-line. It kept us busy.
So, now, I work part-time Monday-Friday 8:30-12:30 at a church. The rest of my time is for me to get things accomplished from both deaths. Still working on legal matters and needing to go through both houses and get rid of more stuff.
There are times now, where I am so tired so I do facebook quite a bit. And I day dream to find myself and the desires of my heart. Where? When? Why? How? What? Life is open to whatever I want to make of it now. I am no longer connected to anything or anyone. For 47 years, mom and dad were always there. Then, when I was 25 I went into YWAM. I knew The Lord wanted me to be apart of it and didn't feel the release from that ministry till I got married 18 years later. In 1997, I joined Bob and Vicki and traveled and ministered all over. Vicki was the one who got me on E-harmony whre I met and married Robert. Then, last summer I was released of being a coordinator with another ministry. And now, with both deaths, it is left with me with God.
Now, don't get me wrong, Bob and Vicki are still very much in my life. I have cousins, aunts and uncles and my grandma all who live out in Illinois. I have many friends all over the world and continue to gain more friends which I am so grateful for.
It's just now. I am living in a city unfamiliar to me except for the last 5 years of my life. I feel the whole world is open to me. I believed going into YWAM that God wanted to set me free. I had a lot of bondages and hurts especially with losing my sister when I just turned 17. Now, that I sit here and write this, that is what I felt The Lord told me when I went to YWAM that He was going to set me free, to heal me. How do you get healing with all the deaths that are involved with one's life. But I can rejoice because I know where they all are. It is getting through this grief that is upon me right now. There are no short cuts. There are no handguides to lead you. Each greif walk leads a different path for everyone.
I believe that God brought me into Robert's life for the last 5 years of his life. We/I thought we had more time together but we didn't. I am still living and I chose to live and get healing from losing my husband. I was able to bring joy and love and a safe haven for Robert to come home to. He carried a heavy load, one of which I'm still carrying but I'm hoping it is coming to an end soon.
It is now, I feel the door is wide-open for life. I'm seeing a counselor, I am a part of GriefShare which I feel is very timely for me. I just joined a group of women with one gentleman walking over at the college beside me. Wednesday nights I go to the church for a meal. And I have joined a ball room dancing group. There are other things on my heart and I want to venture out and see where it takes me. Growing up as a shy, farm girl, I didn't experience much and I was to afraid to do things by myself. It is now in my life, that I am doing things by myself. And I'm making it.
Yes, the afternoons and evenings get long. Yes, the weekends get long. But I am making it and I know that God is healing me.
Where will my life lead to? It's the first time since becoming a christian that I don't feel like ministry, although I think that may come back once I get stronger. Right now, my body is weak. I'm tired but my battle from the last 5 years is hopefully coming to an end.
Jesus died on the Cross to set us free. He desires to use us. He longs to give us the desire of our hearts. I know one day I will be joined again to Robert. Not as husband and wife but as children of God. That day that we all should long for.
I chose this day to live life. The life that Jesus died for to bring Him glory. My desire is that my life would be an example and that others would desire to know our Lord Jesus Christ.
How are you living your life?
Monday, May 13, 2013
Spring Season
Took my nightly walk. The weather is great for me. Most would say it is too cold but I like the cooler weather. Walking around my familiar neighborhood, I passed the ball field on the way home. It is the ball field that has caused me to live where I do.
Over twenty-six years ago, my husband played ball on that field and umpired for at least 18 years. When this house became available, he looked at is and bought it, as is. His thoughts at the time were that his wife could do whatever she wanted to do with the house. Little did he know that it would take him another twenty years to find his wife. It was a bachelor pad when I first moved in. I think some of my first blogs on here talks about it.
Our little house became our home. First for my husband, then for us together for a short time and now for me. It is that time of year that was always crazy for us. He was a fast-pitch umpire. Usually mid-March would start the season till the end of school, about three months. I was always ready for the break and for the pay check to pay bills.
I have so many fond memories going with him to his games. He was a proud peacock with his wife tagging along. I would take my pink chair and sit behind the catchers mound or first base, depending which plate he was covering. I learned to appreciate the game. Being the umpire's wife, I knew that I needed not to cheer for either team. Most of the time the folks didn't know who I was. Some would look at me and wonder who I was and why was I sitting on their side. And there were those that did know.
Every opportunity that Robert would get, he would come and talk and share with me. Last spring I started going with him to his slow ball games to learn how to keep score. I was getting good but the opportunity never came. I thought maybe in the fall. My fall took another turn.
Sitting behind the catcher's mound with my husband right before me growling at the outs, is something that I had to grieve. My life changed. As I go by that field in the mornings on the way to work and as I walk beside it for my nightly walk, there is a little twing in my heart. Sometimes the tears weld up in my eyes, sometimes I can cherish the memories and sometimes it hurts. I hope one day that I will be able to go to another ball game. It's the spring season for ball players, but it is the weeping season for me. One day, maybe, I will be able to cherish the many games where I got to watch my hubby umpire.
It's knowing the seasons in our life. Taking one day at a time. Walking in God's grace.
Thank you Lord for your grace. Thank you Lord for your healing.
Over twenty-six years ago, my husband played ball on that field and umpired for at least 18 years. When this house became available, he looked at is and bought it, as is. His thoughts at the time were that his wife could do whatever she wanted to do with the house. Little did he know that it would take him another twenty years to find his wife. It was a bachelor pad when I first moved in. I think some of my first blogs on here talks about it.
Our little house became our home. First for my husband, then for us together for a short time and now for me. It is that time of year that was always crazy for us. He was a fast-pitch umpire. Usually mid-March would start the season till the end of school, about three months. I was always ready for the break and for the pay check to pay bills.
I have so many fond memories going with him to his games. He was a proud peacock with his wife tagging along. I would take my pink chair and sit behind the catchers mound or first base, depending which plate he was covering. I learned to appreciate the game. Being the umpire's wife, I knew that I needed not to cheer for either team. Most of the time the folks didn't know who I was. Some would look at me and wonder who I was and why was I sitting on their side. And there were those that did know.
Every opportunity that Robert would get, he would come and talk and share with me. Last spring I started going with him to his slow ball games to learn how to keep score. I was getting good but the opportunity never came. I thought maybe in the fall. My fall took another turn.
Sitting behind the catcher's mound with my husband right before me growling at the outs, is something that I had to grieve. My life changed. As I go by that field in the mornings on the way to work and as I walk beside it for my nightly walk, there is a little twing in my heart. Sometimes the tears weld up in my eyes, sometimes I can cherish the memories and sometimes it hurts. I hope one day that I will be able to go to another ball game. It's the spring season for ball players, but it is the weeping season for me. One day, maybe, I will be able to cherish the many games where I got to watch my hubby umpire.
It's knowing the seasons in our life. Taking one day at a time. Walking in God's grace.
Thank you Lord for your grace. Thank you Lord for your healing.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Alone Time
Once again, only five years later I deal with being single. It feels different this time. I had five years with someone I loved. I found love. But it once again facing alone time.
It's easier to be alone when you know someone is going to be coming home. Or someone will be phoning you. This time I have my two cats who like to keep me company when I sit on the couch. Cali likes to follow where ever I am. Ginger every minute she can likes to sit on my lap. But yet, I can sit here all day long and get no phone calls. There are many I could call but trying to figure out who is available and wants to talk or do something.
It is a conscious endeavor to keep ahead of the moment and day to keep myself busy. Although, I need my down time. I like to clean and do laundry things here around the house on Saturday mornings.
When I'm home the tv is always on, but I am rarely watching it. A lot of times it is just high enough to hear it. It seems my ears ring all the time from the silence that echoes through the house.
It is once again finding peace with 'alone time'. It is making a conscious effort to create a life. I have experienced a lot with being in missions, having a husband and losing him and losing three others in my family. From being a shy farm girl who traveled the world to living in a city foreign land to her.
There is a lot more to do here but I still only want to do those things that God would have me do. I don't want to do things just to keep busy. But for now I rest. There is still a lot I am carrying. I am in need of a miracle with my house. My quote 'God will meet all your needs.'
Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.
It's easier to be alone when you know someone is going to be coming home. Or someone will be phoning you. This time I have my two cats who like to keep me company when I sit on the couch. Cali likes to follow where ever I am. Ginger every minute she can likes to sit on my lap. But yet, I can sit here all day long and get no phone calls. There are many I could call but trying to figure out who is available and wants to talk or do something.
It is a conscious endeavor to keep ahead of the moment and day to keep myself busy. Although, I need my down time. I like to clean and do laundry things here around the house on Saturday mornings.
When I'm home the tv is always on, but I am rarely watching it. A lot of times it is just high enough to hear it. It seems my ears ring all the time from the silence that echoes through the house.
It is once again finding peace with 'alone time'. It is making a conscious effort to create a life. I have experienced a lot with being in missions, having a husband and losing him and losing three others in my family. From being a shy farm girl who traveled the world to living in a city foreign land to her.
There is a lot more to do here but I still only want to do those things that God would have me do. I don't want to do things just to keep busy. But for now I rest. There is still a lot I am carrying. I am in need of a miracle with my house. My quote 'God will meet all your needs.'
Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
New Perspective
When one's life changes so drastically, especially when it involves losing your spouse, your whole perspective on life, your walk with God, your relationship with others and so on...changes.
It is walking through the journey of grief, leaning heavily upon God and trusting that His grace is there for everything that you are feeling and believing. And that He will make sense out of your life.
When you think your life is making sense and you know the direction your life will take, it is quite a jolt when your spouse dies. For me, to be living in a city that is unfamiliar ground for me except for those events, life happenings that all involved Robert for five years. My involvement with Newport News was Robert. I was only here a few times before and only touched a tip of what the city had to offer.
Robert was born and raised here. The only thing was his marriage license was in Illinois because of me. He owned this town. He was in the publics eye. We couldn't go anywhere without running into someone that he knew. He knew a lot of the history with the city, the churches, the schools and so forth. I was so proud to be his wife. He told me so many stories. Stories now that I wished I would have written down. He was brilliant, with a huge heart, one full of kindness.
I can only trust now that The Lord will show me the 'New Life' that He is desiring for my life.
Dreaming with God is a whole new perspective. You look at things totally different. In some ways, you have no fear because nothing you will go through will be like that of the nightmare of losing your husband. But in other ways, you have more fears or maybe I should say more vulnerability. Your secure world with your spouse is no longer. We are never promised tomorrow. Everyone knows that but when it happens to you, even that has a whole new meaning.
A New Perspective... What will my life look like? Where am I headed? What is God's plans for my life? For 47 years, I knew where God wanted me and now I'm free from anything that has held me. No ministry, no parents, no husband...this is the familiar ground that I walked on. I gave everything I had for ministry in YWAM and with my husband and the bookstore.
Jesus, You are My Rock of which I can stand. I trust that You will continue to lead me, to heal me, to show me the path that You want me to take and bring the people in my life that You want in my life.
Thank you.
It is walking through the journey of grief, leaning heavily upon God and trusting that His grace is there for everything that you are feeling and believing. And that He will make sense out of your life.
When you think your life is making sense and you know the direction your life will take, it is quite a jolt when your spouse dies. For me, to be living in a city that is unfamiliar ground for me except for those events, life happenings that all involved Robert for five years. My involvement with Newport News was Robert. I was only here a few times before and only touched a tip of what the city had to offer.
Robert was born and raised here. The only thing was his marriage license was in Illinois because of me. He owned this town. He was in the publics eye. We couldn't go anywhere without running into someone that he knew. He knew a lot of the history with the city, the churches, the schools and so forth. I was so proud to be his wife. He told me so many stories. Stories now that I wished I would have written down. He was brilliant, with a huge heart, one full of kindness.
I can only trust now that The Lord will show me the 'New Life' that He is desiring for my life.
Dreaming with God is a whole new perspective. You look at things totally different. In some ways, you have no fear because nothing you will go through will be like that of the nightmare of losing your husband. But in other ways, you have more fears or maybe I should say more vulnerability. Your secure world with your spouse is no longer. We are never promised tomorrow. Everyone knows that but when it happens to you, even that has a whole new meaning.
A New Perspective... What will my life look like? Where am I headed? What is God's plans for my life? For 47 years, I knew where God wanted me and now I'm free from anything that has held me. No ministry, no parents, no husband...this is the familiar ground that I walked on. I gave everything I had for ministry in YWAM and with my husband and the bookstore.
Jesus, You are My Rock of which I can stand. I trust that You will continue to lead me, to heal me, to show me the path that You want me to take and bring the people in my life that You want in my life.
Thank you.
A Deeper Healing
Last night was my second night at GriefShare. All through the evening, even before I got in there, the tears kept coming. I'm not sure why, unless I know deep down that this is a safe place where I know people are going to understand my tears. I don't have to hide them, pretend things are okay, but truly let out the dam break and the tears can come flooding out.
My small group has a family of 5 that lost two people in their family. We exchanged phone numbers. They invited me to be a part of their family. Actually, as I was driving there, my thoughts went to 'what if I were in an accident, who would they contact?' I have no one here for an emergency number. It is different not having close family.
All the changes....being by myself...
The question last night 'What do I think my new normal looks like?' At this point in my life, I have no idea. I have no reference point as to what, where, when my life is going to go and what it will look like.
The book I am reading believes that I can totally be healed, not that I will ever forget Robert but the sting of death I won't have to live with.
Until then....I miss my Robert. I miss my life with him.
Let the cleaning flood come.
My small group has a family of 5 that lost two people in their family. We exchanged phone numbers. They invited me to be a part of their family. Actually, as I was driving there, my thoughts went to 'what if I were in an accident, who would they contact?' I have no one here for an emergency number. It is different not having close family.
All the changes....being by myself...
The question last night 'What do I think my new normal looks like?' At this point in my life, I have no idea. I have no reference point as to what, where, when my life is going to go and what it will look like.
The book I am reading believes that I can totally be healed, not that I will ever forget Robert but the sting of death I won't have to live with.
Until then....I miss my Robert. I miss my life with him.
Let the cleaning flood come.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Memory Lane
Every where I go. The streets I drive on. The stores I see. The houses around. The restaurants to serve. So many place that I have been in these past 5 1/2 years. My memories of Robert are in full swing. I see him and us together in each and every one of these places. I see him walking around. I see him smiling and having his smirk on his face. We strolled through aisles together. We sat at many tables and shared our hearts and our lives together.
I remember his touch. I remember his smell. I am remembering everything about him. The reason that I loved him. The reason it hurts so much not to have him. The reason we were together. We spent as much of our waking time together as we could and as time allowed.
The tears come because we loved so much. We were one with each other. We moved as one. I supported him in his call and dream to run the store.
What I am left with now are the memories of him and I together. Never being able to touch or feel him again. Or to hear his voice. And all of our goofy times together. The times we laughed. The times we watched a sentimental movie and I could hear his little 'mmmm'. Don't think I ever saw a tear but I could hear him and know when something touched his heart so deep.
Right now it's allowing the memories to come and trusting God to catch me on the other side. To have a hope that God will one day restore my life and bring a joy back and a reason for living.
So for now, I walk down memory lane and trust that God is there leading me as I go.
I remember his touch. I remember his smell. I am remembering everything about him. The reason that I loved him. The reason it hurts so much not to have him. The reason we were together. We spent as much of our waking time together as we could and as time allowed.
The tears come because we loved so much. We were one with each other. We moved as one. I supported him in his call and dream to run the store.
What I am left with now are the memories of him and I together. Never being able to touch or feel him again. Or to hear his voice. And all of our goofy times together. The times we laughed. The times we watched a sentimental movie and I could hear his little 'mmmm'. Don't think I ever saw a tear but I could hear him and know when something touched his heart so deep.
Right now it's allowing the memories to come and trusting God to catch me on the other side. To have a hope that God will one day restore my life and bring a joy back and a reason for living.
So for now, I walk down memory lane and trust that God is there leading me as I go.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Memories
When Robert first died, I could not hear his voice, I could not see him, I had no memories of anything we did. For about 4 months I remained in a bubble (shock). About two months ago, the tears will find their way out at some point during every day. Finally the memories of everything that Robert and I did over the last 5 years is returning to my mind.
It was a short time of knowing him but we did a lot in that time. I'm so glad I can finally see him in the memories in my mind. I thought they were lost for ever.
Memories that I can cherish and hold on to for the rest of my life. Robert was my blessing from God. No one can take away what we had together. The gem that I found and took the risk to love and cherish. The man who pursued me and won my heart.
Memories last a life time. Cherish those you love. Always tell them you love them. You never know when that last day will be.
Robert and I told each other every day that we loved each other. It was usually the last thing we said before falling asleep in each other's arms.
I love and miss you Robert. You were my everything!
It was a short time of knowing him but we did a lot in that time. I'm so glad I can finally see him in the memories in my mind. I thought they were lost for ever.
Memories that I can cherish and hold on to for the rest of my life. Robert was my blessing from God. No one can take away what we had together. The gem that I found and took the risk to love and cherish. The man who pursued me and won my heart.
Memories last a life time. Cherish those you love. Always tell them you love them. You never know when that last day will be.
Robert and I told each other every day that we loved each other. It was usually the last thing we said before falling asleep in each other's arms.
I love and miss you Robert. You were my everything!
Peace with Silence
Something new that I noticed this past week, was being able to walk into work, sit down at my desk and start working. Before my trip to Illinois, the first thing I would do was start music at my desk and had it playing most of the morning.
Then, I realized the same thing here at home. I walk in and start doing things in the kitchen or somewhere else and noticed I haven't turned the TV on. Normally that is the first thing that I would do.
And being able to go to bed, read for a few moments, turn the light out and go to sleep till morning in my own bed. Waking up in the morning and being able to lay there and enjoy the silence before my mind starts going too much with thoughts of Robert not being here.
Coming to a place of peace with silence.
Then, I realized the same thing here at home. I walk in and start doing things in the kitchen or somewhere else and noticed I haven't turned the TV on. Normally that is the first thing that I would do.
And being able to go to bed, read for a few moments, turn the light out and go to sleep till morning in my own bed. Waking up in the morning and being able to lay there and enjoy the silence before my mind starts going too much with thoughts of Robert not being here.
Coming to a place of peace with silence.
Friday, May 3, 2013
Ground Hog Day....movie!
Losing your spouse is kind of like the movie Ground Hog day. Each day Bill Murray would wake up and it kept repeating itself. He knew what was coming next and then he would try to fix something but then each morning, the same thing would repeat.
So, is losing your spouse. It feels like a nightmare that you can not wake up from. From the time your eyes open in the morning, that deep knowing that life is not the same. You go about your day and try to wake yourself up from the reality that your spouse is gone.
I have taken up ball room dancing and learned that I love it. Today, I talked with a nurse who is starting a walking program here in my neighborhood at Christopher Newport University (CNU). And of course while she was talking with me, she kept asking if I was ok. She could tell something was going on. It was just one of my moments where the tears come and not much I can do. So, I now have gained a 'new' friend to call if I need to talk. Very nice lady and she introduced me to a website www.meetups.com. I found a couple of groups on there that look interesting.
This afternoon I was so tired of spending so much time here trying to make all the necessary calls and take care of business, I went out shopping. Found some new cloths. It's time for a new look. I'm trying to think about what is good for me with walking, eating right, gaining friends and getting things in order.
Will I learn all the lessons I need to during this season of my life. Will my nightmare ever cease? To find the love of your life and have him for such a short time. Robert and I were so much a like. He was like a glove that fit my hand. He completed me and it felt good. We enjoyed each other and our friendship. God truly blessed me with a wonderful man. It was just too short of time.
The joy of my heart has been taken.
So, is losing your spouse. It feels like a nightmare that you can not wake up from. From the time your eyes open in the morning, that deep knowing that life is not the same. You go about your day and try to wake yourself up from the reality that your spouse is gone.
I have taken up ball room dancing and learned that I love it. Today, I talked with a nurse who is starting a walking program here in my neighborhood at Christopher Newport University (CNU). And of course while she was talking with me, she kept asking if I was ok. She could tell something was going on. It was just one of my moments where the tears come and not much I can do. So, I now have gained a 'new' friend to call if I need to talk. Very nice lady and she introduced me to a website www.meetups.com. I found a couple of groups on there that look interesting.
This afternoon I was so tired of spending so much time here trying to make all the necessary calls and take care of business, I went out shopping. Found some new cloths. It's time for a new look. I'm trying to think about what is good for me with walking, eating right, gaining friends and getting things in order.
Will I learn all the lessons I need to during this season of my life. Will my nightmare ever cease? To find the love of your life and have him for such a short time. Robert and I were so much a like. He was like a glove that fit my hand. He completed me and it felt good. We enjoyed each other and our friendship. God truly blessed me with a wonderful man. It was just too short of time.
The joy of my heart has been taken.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
A Heavy Heart
So, here I sit. It's been a busy week with all the phone calls and various things I needed to take care of. Tonight, I had over 2 hours of ball room dance lessons. My teacher is very happy with me and surprised how quickly I can pick up dancing. He said that it comes naturally for me.
Dancing is such an intimate move. Getting so lost in the music, concentrating on the steps and allowing yourself to be lead around the dance floor by your partner. Great exercise, but yet such a joy to dance.
I started GriefShare last night with Liberty Baptist. So, for the next 12 weeks, every Wednesday night, I will be busy. Do I really want to go? Not, really. But the heavy heart and void in my life has caused me to go. It's still hard to imagine life without Robert. I can't believe that he is dead and I will never see him or speak with him.
My days find enough activities to get involved with. Monday I am getting together with Marilyn and Cindy. Looking forward to my time with them. Have a few other friends I want to get together with.
Even though I have plans most days, the tears continue to find me. At some point during the day they come. They are a faithful friend right now.
God's word says that He turns our mourning into joy. It's hard for me to imagine. A life of solitude. My kitties don't talk so much.
The void is deep. My heart is heavy. People say I'm doing well but what else could I do. I have to walk through it. I have lost my husband, mom and dad. My life has been forever changed. Who will God bring in my life to be family for me here in Virginia? Do I stay here? Robert wasn't the reason I'm in Virginia, just Newport News.
Can God really bring the healing I need? All I can do is rest in His arms and trust one day I will have joy again. A smile and laughter can hide a lot of things. There is a deep river that is rushing inside of me.
Lord, I am not far from your sight. I know you see what I'm walking through. I continue to thank you for being in my life and bringing the healing I need. Take this heavy heart from me.
Thank you.
Dancing is such an intimate move. Getting so lost in the music, concentrating on the steps and allowing yourself to be lead around the dance floor by your partner. Great exercise, but yet such a joy to dance.
I started GriefShare last night with Liberty Baptist. So, for the next 12 weeks, every Wednesday night, I will be busy. Do I really want to go? Not, really. But the heavy heart and void in my life has caused me to go. It's still hard to imagine life without Robert. I can't believe that he is dead and I will never see him or speak with him.
My days find enough activities to get involved with. Monday I am getting together with Marilyn and Cindy. Looking forward to my time with them. Have a few other friends I want to get together with.
Even though I have plans most days, the tears continue to find me. At some point during the day they come. They are a faithful friend right now.
God's word says that He turns our mourning into joy. It's hard for me to imagine. A life of solitude. My kitties don't talk so much.
The void is deep. My heart is heavy. People say I'm doing well but what else could I do. I have to walk through it. I have lost my husband, mom and dad. My life has been forever changed. Who will God bring in my life to be family for me here in Virginia? Do I stay here? Robert wasn't the reason I'm in Virginia, just Newport News.
Can God really bring the healing I need? All I can do is rest in His arms and trust one day I will have joy again. A smile and laughter can hide a lot of things. There is a deep river that is rushing inside of me.
Lord, I am not far from your sight. I know you see what I'm walking through. I continue to thank you for being in my life and bringing the healing I need. Take this heavy heart from me.
Thank you.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Finding Peace in the Wilderness
One really doesn't know the road that they will travel. We make our plans but The Lord is the One who directs them. Just seven months back from today, I had no idea that I would be sitting here alone in my home. My husband dying and 3 months later mom.
It feels a bit of a wilderness right now, wandering around to find answers, a life again. What I have known the last five years of my life has vanished. What I have known the last 47 years has vanished. With Robert dying, I would have moved back to Illinois in a heartbeat to be with mom. Now, trying to figure out whether to stay or go. After 23 years of being away from Illinois, why would I move back with them no longer being alive.
And now, living in Virginia not being a part of a ministry or having my husband, I need to hear from God. Robert wasn't the reason I came to Virginia. I came in 1997 to do a school with YWAM. Then, joining Bob and Vicki Lichty for 10 years before meeting my husband on e-harmony. The Lord brought me to Virginia and I love living here. I moved to Newport News only to be with Robert.
Where is the peace? My counselor told me it would come. How long? When? There is a wilderness I'm walking through. Most of my friends in this area now are new to me since Robert died in October. The Lord has blessed me tremendously.
People tell me I'm doing good. But yet what does that mean when deep down there is a vacant hole and void in my life. So unexpectedly of losing Robert. Of one moment making plans for the future and only a matter of seconds making plans to bury the one I loved. The one who loved me. We said there no was no back door before we said 'I do'. We were committed to each other.
Jesus walked through the wilderness. He was tempted and tried. Yet He remained faithful. Only to be more like Jesus, even in my darkest hours. To be able to learn those things that only you can learn when walking thru the darkness and into the wilderness.
You look for a familiar smile, a warm embrace to know things will be okay. But yet, you find nothing, only silence. Will I learn everything I am suppose to? Will I be found faithful? Or will I lose hope? To find peace in the wilderness.
Lord, thank you for your grace. Thank you for your love. Thank you that I am not far from your sight. You see me right where I am. You know what I am walking thru. The pain that fills my heart and my mind.
A smile goes along ways but it can also hide the things hidden deep in the heart. There is a wilderness will I make it thru.
It feels a bit of a wilderness right now, wandering around to find answers, a life again. What I have known the last five years of my life has vanished. What I have known the last 47 years has vanished. With Robert dying, I would have moved back to Illinois in a heartbeat to be with mom. Now, trying to figure out whether to stay or go. After 23 years of being away from Illinois, why would I move back with them no longer being alive.
And now, living in Virginia not being a part of a ministry or having my husband, I need to hear from God. Robert wasn't the reason I came to Virginia. I came in 1997 to do a school with YWAM. Then, joining Bob and Vicki Lichty for 10 years before meeting my husband on e-harmony. The Lord brought me to Virginia and I love living here. I moved to Newport News only to be with Robert.
Where is the peace? My counselor told me it would come. How long? When? There is a wilderness I'm walking through. Most of my friends in this area now are new to me since Robert died in October. The Lord has blessed me tremendously.
People tell me I'm doing good. But yet what does that mean when deep down there is a vacant hole and void in my life. So unexpectedly of losing Robert. Of one moment making plans for the future and only a matter of seconds making plans to bury the one I loved. The one who loved me. We said there no was no back door before we said 'I do'. We were committed to each other.
Jesus walked through the wilderness. He was tempted and tried. Yet He remained faithful. Only to be more like Jesus, even in my darkest hours. To be able to learn those things that only you can learn when walking thru the darkness and into the wilderness.
You look for a familiar smile, a warm embrace to know things will be okay. But yet, you find nothing, only silence. Will I learn everything I am suppose to? Will I be found faithful? Or will I lose hope? To find peace in the wilderness.
Lord, thank you for your grace. Thank you for your love. Thank you that I am not far from your sight. You see me right where I am. You know what I am walking thru. The pain that fills my heart and my mind.
A smile goes along ways but it can also hide the things hidden deep in the heart. There is a wilderness will I make it thru.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Tears for mom
It's been almost three months since losing my mom. Finally yesterday, I had tears for her and only her. Losing her three months after my husband, my grief and tears have been for Robert. At the time of her death through the visitation and funeral, it made me miss my husband more and tears have continued to be my friend almost every day.
Now being home where I grew up, I have been going through all of mom's belongings. The special things that she had placed value upon. The things that brought her joy. Her creativity of sewing, quilting, painting, crocheting, baking and so on. Her house was full of the life she offered.
Chosing carefully all that I wanted to keep and to be able to let go, I have seperated the items. Opening up the house to family members and two of mom's closest friends to come and pick items that would remind them of mom. Seeing joy and laughter once again here in the house. Mom loved humor and had it till the day she died. She always held a positive outlook on life and had a word that would bring laughter into life.
It has finally been in the last two days that my tears have found a way to come for mom. Seeing her sister and the two friends chose their items. The memories of mom with them have surficed bringing an outpouring of tears. There was a joy in watching them. I know mom would have loved the moment and desired for them to have her belongings rather than just giving them away to strangers or throwing them out. It took her 73 years to live her life and chose these things.
The biggest gift mom gave was her faithfulness with God, always going to church and being very giving. Every Sunday, we as a family went to church, unless we were sick or on vacation. For 12 years I had perfect attendance in Sunday School and have the little pins that they give at the end of each year. And for 18 years, mom and dad supported me in my call into missions. I know deep down that they desired for me to be home but yet they supported my decision.
One of mom's favorite things she would always tell me 'It will all work out.' And I found a husband that would continue to speak those same exact words. Their faith was deep. Both mom and Robert were born on the same day and died in the same year. And I can hear both of them saying 'It will all work out.'
In the midst of the heavy cloud that lingers on my life right now with such a great loss, I continue to look to the One who gave the best gift of all. Our Heavenly Father, who gave His only begotton Son, Jesus, who died for our sins.
I know He is catching my tears and bringing His Healing Hand into my life. The tears today were finally for mom and mom alone.
May you rest in peace, Betty Josephine Krug, till the day that I will be reunited with you, dad, Debbie and Robert. I love and miss you all.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
God turns broken pieces into His masterpieces!
Sitting here in Illinois in my parents home. It's not the home I grew up in so the emotional ties are not as strong. I'm facing a major decision of keeping the house or selling it. Right now making small choices of what to keep and what to get rid of. Mom and dad were both collectors of many things.
We went through this about 7 years ago, when they first moved to town from the country. It was a major history maker. One that I thought would never happen. I didn't think dad would ever want to move and leave the farm house but he loved living in town. Having them in this house, helped so it hasn't been as emotional as I thought it might be.
As I sort to keep and cherish that which they have gathered over the years of their lives, it is still just stuff. The stuff had value because my mom had placed value upon it, without her still being here, the value is not the same.
Some of the decisions I am needing to make would be easier, if Robert were still here. Robert and I had plans and dreams. With his passing, leaves a hole that I didn't realize that I would be walking through so soon in my life. There are still decisions that I need to make in Virginia as well.
One of the photos on Facebook said "God turns broken pieces into His masterpieces!" Some days this feels so much like a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I still cannot believe that I lost my husband and my mom so close to together. I wish I could fast forward in life about five years. The dark days and moments are heavy.
My broken heart and life needs God's Healing Hand. Could my life represent a masterpiece? Could He still have plans for my life? Hope and vision are key aspects. As I sit quietly waiting, my heart is broken, I have to trust that God will be here in my deepest need.
Father, I need Your Healing Touch. Thank you ahead of time.
We went through this about 7 years ago, when they first moved to town from the country. It was a major history maker. One that I thought would never happen. I didn't think dad would ever want to move and leave the farm house but he loved living in town. Having them in this house, helped so it hasn't been as emotional as I thought it might be.
As I sort to keep and cherish that which they have gathered over the years of their lives, it is still just stuff. The stuff had value because my mom had placed value upon it, without her still being here, the value is not the same.
Some of the decisions I am needing to make would be easier, if Robert were still here. Robert and I had plans and dreams. With his passing, leaves a hole that I didn't realize that I would be walking through so soon in my life. There are still decisions that I need to make in Virginia as well.
One of the photos on Facebook said "God turns broken pieces into His masterpieces!" Some days this feels so much like a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I still cannot believe that I lost my husband and my mom so close to together. I wish I could fast forward in life about five years. The dark days and moments are heavy.
My broken heart and life needs God's Healing Hand. Could my life represent a masterpiece? Could He still have plans for my life? Hope and vision are key aspects. As I sit quietly waiting, my heart is broken, I have to trust that God will be here in my deepest need.
Father, I need Your Healing Touch. Thank you ahead of time.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Traveling West to Illinois
So, the last two days I have spent on the road. Saturday was a beautiful drive through the mountains of West Virginia, straight through Ohio all the way to Indianapolis. Knowing that these next two weeks were going to be emotional and full of lots of decisions, I asked Bob and Vicki Lichty to travel with me to help me walk through this time.
My first day back and already the tears are coming. So many decisions. How did I come to this place in my life? While it is a normal thing to lose our parents, we never want or expect it to happen. With me it happened within two years and now the task of sorting through their house and deciding what I need to keep, what I should keep and what I need to let go.
At least I thought that I was settled and knew where I was going to live while growing old with my husband, as we ran a Christian bookstore. My ministry and life revolved around Robert. And now with him gone and losing my parents all within two years, my life has taken on a huge transition with lots of emotions and tears.
While I know that they are all in a much better place, worshipping The Lord and being in His Presence, I am left to pick up the pieces.
I am reminded that we live here only for a short time. This is a temporary place. We were all created to worship and live for Christ. Our goals, our purposes, our focus should be to live our lives holy unto The Lord.
A few weeks ago, we celebrated the death and Resurrection of our Lord Jesus. It was during my church service Friday night service that I felt The Lord say to me 'There is a mark that has been laid upon your life. It's not been an easy one to walk but yet you are in my Hands. The mark is there to always remember me. Your life is mine. Remember My grace - Remember My Hand. Tell others.'
God blessed me with wonderful parents who raised me in church. They supported me through my ministry in Youth With A Mission (YWAM) for 18 years. And they gave their blessing when my husband, Robert, asked for my hand in marriage. I had 5 wonderful years with Robert. I don't feel that it was nearly long enough and would do anything to have him back.
It is now that I find my world has turned upside down, but yet, seeking and waiting on The Lord to know His plan for my life. His calling that I heard twenty-three years ago.
Is my life blessed? Yes. Did I lose those that are closest to me? Yes. Is this an emotional time? Yes.
It is still at this time, I move forward to share the wonderful news of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It's the first time I have felt all alone. Living at home with my parents till I was 25 and then going into YWAM for 18 years, being with Bob and Vicki for 10 of those years traveling the world. And now the last 5 with a precious gift from God, a man who loved God and served Him.
Live in such a way that when we find our lives in turmoil and in transition, that we know where to turn. We are made in God's image. He created us for relationship. He desires a deep relationship with Him. Even when there seems to be no hope, no future, we are never out of God's eyes.
May God get the Glory.
My first day back and already the tears are coming. So many decisions. How did I come to this place in my life? While it is a normal thing to lose our parents, we never want or expect it to happen. With me it happened within two years and now the task of sorting through their house and deciding what I need to keep, what I should keep and what I need to let go.
At least I thought that I was settled and knew where I was going to live while growing old with my husband, as we ran a Christian bookstore. My ministry and life revolved around Robert. And now with him gone and losing my parents all within two years, my life has taken on a huge transition with lots of emotions and tears.
While I know that they are all in a much better place, worshipping The Lord and being in His Presence, I am left to pick up the pieces.
I am reminded that we live here only for a short time. This is a temporary place. We were all created to worship and live for Christ. Our goals, our purposes, our focus should be to live our lives holy unto The Lord.
A few weeks ago, we celebrated the death and Resurrection of our Lord Jesus. It was during my church service Friday night service that I felt The Lord say to me 'There is a mark that has been laid upon your life. It's not been an easy one to walk but yet you are in my Hands. The mark is there to always remember me. Your life is mine. Remember My grace - Remember My Hand. Tell others.'
God blessed me with wonderful parents who raised me in church. They supported me through my ministry in Youth With A Mission (YWAM) for 18 years. And they gave their blessing when my husband, Robert, asked for my hand in marriage. I had 5 wonderful years with Robert. I don't feel that it was nearly long enough and would do anything to have him back.
It is now that I find my world has turned upside down, but yet, seeking and waiting on The Lord to know His plan for my life. His calling that I heard twenty-three years ago.
Is my life blessed? Yes. Did I lose those that are closest to me? Yes. Is this an emotional time? Yes.
It is still at this time, I move forward to share the wonderful news of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It's the first time I have felt all alone. Living at home with my parents till I was 25 and then going into YWAM for 18 years, being with Bob and Vicki for 10 of those years traveling the world. And now the last 5 with a precious gift from God, a man who loved God and served Him.
Live in such a way that when we find our lives in turmoil and in transition, that we know where to turn. We are made in God's image. He created us for relationship. He desires a deep relationship with Him. Even when there seems to be no hope, no future, we are never out of God's eyes.
May God get the Glory.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Help for a Hurting Heart
Where do I start? I am now over six months since I last talked to my husband. No warning. No way to prepare. It's not only losing my husband but losing my family, both my mom and my dad all within two years. It is these three people that I have been spending my days and vacations with. And now, I find myself afternoon to afternoon, to evening to evening sitting here by myself. The weekends get long. It is me that needs to reach out but yet physically I am tired and don't feel like reaching out to anyone any more. There are times during the days that I need to get with my lawyer and different folks. I still have legal issues going on with both my husband and my mom's death.
The anxiety in my heart is starting to build up in the afternoons. This just started about a week ago. But part of it, I believe, is that I am preparing to take a trip to Illinois and go through my mom's house. Still have some major decisions to make.
The pain, the hurt of not being able to talk to my husband is unbearable. To be able to feel his touch and hear him tell me everything is going to be okay.
Here I am in Newport News, a place where I moved to be with my husband almost five years ago. Trying to create a life in a city that is foreign land to me. I have gained many friends but yet, it's not the same as having family who come or call and check in on you. Waking up to a body beside you, one that you would kiss and tell them you would see them later.
There is a hole that needs to be healed. There is a God above, His name is Jesus, and I need His Healing touch.
Thank you Jesus that we can call upon you. Thank you for your Healing Hand.
The anxiety in my heart is starting to build up in the afternoons. This just started about a week ago. But part of it, I believe, is that I am preparing to take a trip to Illinois and go through my mom's house. Still have some major decisions to make.
The pain, the hurt of not being able to talk to my husband is unbearable. To be able to feel his touch and hear him tell me everything is going to be okay.
Here I am in Newport News, a place where I moved to be with my husband almost five years ago. Trying to create a life in a city that is foreign land to me. I have gained many friends but yet, it's not the same as having family who come or call and check in on you. Waking up to a body beside you, one that you would kiss and tell them you would see them later.
There is a hole that needs to be healed. There is a God above, His name is Jesus, and I need His Healing touch.
Thank you Jesus that we can call upon you. Thank you for your Healing Hand.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Finding My Way
There has been much time since I last wrote on here. So many emotions and feeling and searching right now in my life. Many unanswered questions and trying to find my way. I will try to back track through 2010 till my life now.
I am now a widow. How did I get here? Five years ago something wonderful happened in my life, a dream fulfilled to finding myself losing the love of my life. And now finding my emotions be on a roller coaster and finding tears to be my best friend, as they are always near and like to show up whenever they want to.
People tell me I'm doing good. Inside I feel I'm falling to pieces. How do you make sense of life and moving on with life without your husband.
God's Hand of Grace has been carrying me. Although, the shock and bubble that I had been in has pretty much vanished. The reality of life without Robert is setting in. It's walking through grief and recognizing the feeling that I'm going through. Facing each day with God's help.
On October 4, 2012, Robert passed away. I wrote four letters that I posted on Facebook of the last 4 days with him and before his visitation and funeral. Then, December 7, 2012 my mom had a stroke. I flew home to spend Christmas with her and on December 29, she passed away. This being less than 2 years since my dad dying on January 22, 2011. The 3 closest people to me.
How do I make sense of my life? I'm in Newport News because of Robert. I moved here to be with him. And now, I find myself trying to recreate a life for myself.
Finding my way....when Life doesn't make sense....
Trusting The Lord to continue healing me and bring joy back into my life.
I am now a widow. How did I get here? Five years ago something wonderful happened in my life, a dream fulfilled to finding myself losing the love of my life. And now finding my emotions be on a roller coaster and finding tears to be my best friend, as they are always near and like to show up whenever they want to.
People tell me I'm doing good. Inside I feel I'm falling to pieces. How do you make sense of life and moving on with life without your husband.
God's Hand of Grace has been carrying me. Although, the shock and bubble that I had been in has pretty much vanished. The reality of life without Robert is setting in. It's walking through grief and recognizing the feeling that I'm going through. Facing each day with God's help.
On October 4, 2012, Robert passed away. I wrote four letters that I posted on Facebook of the last 4 days with him and before his visitation and funeral. Then, December 7, 2012 my mom had a stroke. I flew home to spend Christmas with her and on December 29, she passed away. This being less than 2 years since my dad dying on January 22, 2011. The 3 closest people to me.
How do I make sense of my life? I'm in Newport News because of Robert. I moved here to be with him. And now, I find myself trying to recreate a life for myself.
Finding my way....when Life doesn't make sense....
Trusting The Lord to continue healing me and bring joy back into my life.
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