Living Life

When your whole world changes, what do you do? Figuring life out once again.

My life for the last 5years revolved around Robert and the bookstore. Whatever I did, I did for the two of us. Working part-time, paying bills, cleaning the house, mowing, laundry and whatever else I found to do. Then, usually most days heading to the store to spend some time with Robert. While at the store, we would need to find books, get them packaged up and then I would bring them home to finish bagging them to get them in the mail. We had over 17,000 books for sell on-line. It kept us busy.

So, now, I work part-time Monday-Friday 8:30-12:30 at a church. The rest of my time is for me to get things accomplished from both deaths. Still working on legal matters and needing to go through both houses and get rid of more stuff.

There are times now, where I am so tired so I do facebook quite a bit. And I day dream to find myself and the desires of my heart. Where? When? Why? How? What? Life is open to whatever I want to make of it now. I am no longer connected to anything or anyone. For 47 years, mom and dad were always there. Then, when I was 25 I went into YWAM. I knew The Lord wanted me to be apart of it and didn't feel the release from that ministry till I got married 18 years later. In 1997, I joined Bob and Vicki and traveled and ministered all over. Vicki was the one who got me on E-harmony whre I met and married Robert. Then, last summer I was released of being a coordinator with another ministry. And now, with both deaths, it is left with me with God.

Now, don't get me wrong, Bob and Vicki are still very much in my life. I have cousins, aunts and uncles and my grandma all who live out in Illinois. I have many friends all over the world and continue to gain more friends which I am so grateful for.

It's just now. I am living in a city unfamiliar to me except for the last 5 years of my life. I feel the whole world is open to me. I believed going into YWAM that God wanted to set me free. I had a lot of bondages and hurts especially with losing my sister when I just turned 17. Now, that I sit here and write this, that is what I felt The Lord told me when I went to YWAM that He was going to set me free, to heal me. How do you get healing with all the deaths that are involved with one's life. But I can rejoice because I know where they all are. It is getting through this grief that is upon me right now. There are no short cuts. There are no handguides to lead you. Each greif walk leads a different path for everyone.

I believe that God brought me into Robert's life for the last 5 years of his life. We/I thought we had more time together but we didn't. I am still living and I chose to live and get healing from losing my husband. I was able to bring joy and love and a safe haven for Robert to come home to. He carried a heavy load, one of which I'm still carrying but I'm hoping it is coming to an end soon.

It is now, I feel the door is wide-open for life. I'm seeing a counselor, I am a part of GriefShare which I feel is very timely for me. I just joined a group of women with one gentleman walking over at the college beside me. Wednesday nights I go to the church for a meal. And I have joined a ball room dancing group. There are other things on my heart and I want to venture out and see where it takes me. Growing up as a shy, farm girl, I didn't experience much and I was to afraid to do things by myself. It is now in my life, that I am doing things by myself. And I'm making it.

Yes, the afternoons and evenings get long. Yes, the weekends get long. But I am making it and I know that God is healing me.

Where will my life lead to? It's the first time since becoming a christian that I don't feel like ministry, although I think that may come back once I get stronger. Right now, my body is weak. I'm tired but my battle from the last 5 years is hopefully coming to an end.

Jesus died on the Cross to set us free. He desires to use us. He longs to give us the desire of our hearts. I know one day I will be joined again to Robert. Not as husband and wife but as children of God.  That day that we all should long for.

I chose this day to live life. The life that Jesus died for to bring Him glory. My desire is that my life would be an example and that others would desire to know our Lord Jesus Christ.

How are you living your life?