One really doesn't know the road that they will travel. We make our plans but The Lord is the One who directs them. Just seven months back from today, I had no idea that I would be sitting here alone in my home. My husband dying and 3 months later mom.
It feels a bit of a wilderness right now, wandering around to find answers, a life again. What I have known the last five years of my life has vanished. What I have known the last 47 years has vanished. With Robert dying, I would have moved back to Illinois in a heartbeat to be with mom. Now, trying to figure out whether to stay or go. After 23 years of being away from Illinois, why would I move back with them no longer being alive.
And now, living in Virginia not being a part of a ministry or having my husband, I need to hear from God. Robert wasn't the reason I came to Virginia. I came in 1997 to do a school with YWAM. Then, joining Bob and Vicki Lichty for 10 years before meeting my husband on e-harmony. The Lord brought me to Virginia and I love living here. I moved to Newport News only to be with Robert.
Where is the peace? My counselor told me it would come. How long? When? There is a wilderness I'm walking through. Most of my friends in this area now are new to me since Robert died in October. The Lord has blessed me tremendously.
People tell me I'm doing good. But yet what does that mean when deep down there is a vacant hole and void in my life. So unexpectedly of losing Robert. Of one moment making plans for the future and only a matter of seconds making plans to bury the one I loved. The one who loved me. We said there no was no back door before we said 'I do'. We were committed to each other.
Jesus walked through the wilderness. He was tempted and tried. Yet He remained faithful. Only to be more like Jesus, even in my darkest hours. To be able to learn those things that only you can learn when walking thru the darkness and into the wilderness.
You look for a familiar smile, a warm embrace to know things will be okay. But yet, you find nothing, only silence. Will I learn everything I am suppose to? Will I be found faithful? Or will I lose hope? To find peace in the wilderness.
Lord, thank you for your grace. Thank you for your love. Thank you that I am not far from your sight. You see me right where I am. You know what I am walking thru. The pain that fills my heart and my mind.
A smile goes along ways but it can also hide the things hidden deep in the heart. There is a wilderness will I make it thru.
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