When tragedy hits home

 

In memory of my late husband, Robert

March 18, 1963 - October 4, 2012

When tragedy hits home, how do we respond? What is the affect that it takes on the body? Where does our strength come from? What if we look normal and no one can see the struggles we go through?

When you think you are strong enough to move forward, when you push yourself ahead, only to find that the weakness is still there. Learning to take one day at a time and enjoy the blessings that God has surrounded you with. We are called to live one day a time, but many, under pressure and stress try to push forward into the next day, year, 10 years. But yet, God gives us manna and grace for one day. Not taking anything more or anything less but what will fill you for that one day.

The third anniversary of my late's husband's death is soon approaching, October 4. Even though, I have moved forward and God has blessed me with another husband for the last year and a half, and a beautiful daughter, the consequences of his death still takes a toll on my body, mind and emotions. The world says move forward, let the past go. God says 'Rest in me.' I don't have to compare my grief with another's grief. I don't have to compare my story to anyone else's. God has given me my life to live the journey that He set forth for me. Nothing is a surprise for The Lord. I can be secure in the grace that God gives me to live each day. To be the blessing of those closest to me. And I have the hope that The Lord is using me in ways that I don't see.

My desire since knowing The Lord on June 19, 1988 has been to make a difference for Him. The Lord has taken me around the world, 13 different countries, and touching many nations with friends along the way. This little, shy, farm girl who had no voice listened to The Lord. It's a choice that I will never forget and don't regret. And now, living in a huge city and attending a church the size of my small town. I know that God has not forgotten me and He knows right where I am. The confidence of knowing The Lord and Him being Lord over my life was sealed the day I lost Robert. The grace and strength The Lord gave me during the time of Robert's death has been unique and quite warming to my heart and mind.

I made a difference in the last five years of Robert's life. And I can only trust that I am making a difference now in ways that I can not see.

Are you walking in God's grace and strength or walking in your own? The Lord says, He will give us rest.'

Lost

When an avalanche happens much is lost. The beauty of the landscape, to the animals that inhabit the location. Plus, if anyone has ever built anything around such a place, all is lost beneath the rubble.


So, what happens when an 'avalanche' hits a person? It could be a death, moving, accident and so on. The person remains intact but the emotions may go on an emotional roller coaster.

Death and grief go hand-in-hand. When there is death a world can turn upside down. With God in the midst of it, there is grace to walk through. There is a Light that shines through the rubble. It's being able to walk through the rubble and make sense of the life at the other end of that rubble. What will it look like? Much is lost but there is still a whole lot to gain. Stepping up and over and around the boulders that have fallen. Wondering if you will be able to continue on.

Looking back I have had ten deaths in the last six years. Some that held significant places in my life and others that affect me, as it has hit close to home. Now being in a safe place, I am seeing the rubble where I have come from. But yet being able to move forward takes a baby step each day.

Boxes still fill my house, as I sift through my emotions and 'stuff', to create a new life with the blessings of a new husband and a daughter. God knew what I would need when he brought them into my life. There is joy in my life and I have moved forward, but yet, there is a darkness that lurks beneath.

When meeting new friends, my conversations can quickly turn to death and grief. It's not that I hold onto them but each conversations leads and directs from your life. My life in the last six years has drastically taken a turn. So, as I sort through my rubble, will those who come into my life be able to give me the grace to sort through my life.

Many will say 'you need to let go'...my question, let go of what? Many will say 'you need to move on'...I have done such. Many will say 'you need to forgive'...is this really about forgiveness or finding a life that has drastically changed? Many will say 'the past is the past'...so what does that really mean? The answers come quickly from folks who may not understand or have walked the path of grief and loss. And there is forgiveness for those who lack the understanding and quickly speak with their mouths.

Doesn't the past reflect upon what the future holds. When Jesus comes into a person's life, He doesn't just change you over night but over time. There are times when He may do that in a person's life but for the most part, if He drastically changed you over night, you would not be able to recognize yourself. It is gradual as you seek The Lord each day.

We are not lost in God's eyes when tragedy hits. His Hand of grace and strength can be found. As we move forward there is much to gain. There are others that will follow behind. Will you be a blessing to those that may walk in your footsteps? What are the hidden things that God wants to bring forth into your life? We live and have our being in Him. He is the One who has given us breathe. He knows everything about you! So when things are 'lost', look for the Shining Light in the rubble.

Jesus' past is our hope for the future. Him dying on the cross has given us eternal life. Our past does reflect our future, we are made in the Lord's image. His past reflects our future. Nothing is lost if we continue to seek The Lord. There is Hope!!

When We Must Say Good-bye

Life is short. Why play games. When you like someone, say what you mean. Those final good-byes will never be again. Live with no regrets. One day you will wish you had. And there are no do-overs. It's final. The last breathe is gone.

The feelings come in like a flood. No words can bring comfort. Everything is numb. It's a moment that stops in time. No more 'hello, how are yous'. No more joking around. No more smiles or laughter of the one you love. Only emptiness and numbness are to be found.

The sting is only for a moment. When the burning subsides, life will go on. But from that moment and each moment that follows, life has made a turn that will be different from this moment on. Your loved one has taken their last breathe. And it seems they have taken your last breathe with them. It's hard to breathe. It's hard to move on. You want so badly to hang on. But there is no hanging on, only moving forward.

The tears come and life comes to a stop. It's moving forward that we must do. To move forward feels that we are leaving our loved one behind, but yet in actuality, they have gone before us. They have taken their last moment of breathe, to live life eternally before our Heavenly Father. No more pain, no more suffering. They are rejoicing before their Maker.

Feel the pain. Cry the tears. Walk through the grief. The Maker is there for you and me. His name is Jesus and He catches every tear we cry. He heals the pain we feel. He will always walk beside. Call out to your Heavenly Father. He is the Great Comforter.

Time is a factor. Moving forward requires strength. Strength that is taken when a loved one dies. Strength that is precious to be able to stand boldly. Strength that is a gift to live this life again.

Death is final but living life for Jesus is for eternity. Here on earth and for those who have gone before. Cry out to Jesus!!

Death Paralyzes

When death comes to your door step, it can paralyze one's life. Life doesn't seem to make sense any more, everything that you have lived up to, to this point in your life has just been thrown out the window. Memories, thoughts, actions of one's life depend upon the people they have around them. The people around you are the ones who have helped form your thoughts and actions of who they are. Your energies are now for survival and moving forward. Where is God in the midst of death?

Grief comes in like a storm. Emotions shut down. Life stops.

Where is God in the midst of death

God is in every pain we feel. God is in the depths of our hearts. God is in the very fiber of our being. He is the One who created us. He is the One who made us in His image. What we feel and what we walk through is not foreign to God. He sent His son to die on a cross; to shed His blood for our sins.

Where is God in the midst of death

Jesus was sent here to die. His purpose was to die on a Cross so that we would be forgiven and walk freely with our Heavenly Father, who created us. Death is not far off from the One who knew it so closely.

Where is God in the midst of death

God grieved when He knew of Adam's disobedience in the Garden of Eve. The apple of knowledge brought a death to our relationship with God. He knew what He would need to do to once again bring life into His creation of mankind. A grievance of His heart to send His One and Only Son to die. A death that would bring eternal life for those who believe.

Where is God in the midst of death

Nothing is new to God. He is in the midst of death. He will comfort and bring joy if we allow Him. If we are able to let go and trust. Allowing the death to bring life for those who experience it. All will at some point in their life experience death. It doesn't become real till it hits close to home.

Where is God in the midst of death

Allow death to hit your heart but also allow your heart to be open to the life that only Jesus can do. Allow for the healing to come. As quickly as a life can change in a moment of time, Jesus can also bring the healing and comfort that we need.

God is in the midst of death. Do you feel His tears? Do you feel the touch of His Hand? He is here.

'Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?' 1 Corinthians 15:55  

Changes

Once again, death faces me in my thoughts and memories. On April 14, 2015, my spiritual papa, Bob Lichty passed away. About a three week warning with just being diagnosed with lymphoma, a small stomach ulcer and a small hiatus hernia. His body continued to get weaker and ended up in the ER. After a pet scan and a cat scan, they found a perforated intestine saying he needed emergency surgery. Paul and I headed to Williamsburg, barely making it there before they took him back for surgery. He was supposed to wake up, but the next day, we needed to say our good-byes.


So, once again, I face changes in my life. Changes that I would have preferred not to have to deal with but changes. As I look back and reflect upon this past year, Bob and Vicki were very much a part of my settling in Virginia Beach. Almost all the holidays, birthdays, etc. revealed photos of them joining us. Markings on the calendar of them spending a day or two or however many days they would stay. A week in Myrtle Beach over Christmas, memories of mine and Paul’s first anniversary in Nags Head with Bob and Vicki coming to a couple of nights.

Once again, my life has changed. When there is death, life is around the corner, but yet, I’m still looking and waiting. New life, as some like to say a ‘new normal’ but I myself don’t like those words.

There are still boxes that remain unopened from my life altering moments of deaths before. Stuff that still needs to be sorted through, but yet, they remain unopened. Probably a reflection of one’s life with all that we live through, it is the way we deal with life and compartmentalize our lives. Full of stuff, some good, some bad, and others that we wonder why we kept at all.

Purposely and intently needing to set the time a part once again for sorting and making sense of a life that God has deeply touched, but yet, needs continued healing.

All during this same time period, we had workers here siding and fixing up our house. As they side the house and make it all pretty, it is still the same house. All the changes have not changed the location, the shape, or what it is. It is still a house. It still functions. It has just been fixed to preserve the life that it has and for the purpose the folks who live in it.

Some changes are good and some changes are bad. But it is what we do with the choice that we have to face each day. God has given us life. He gives us grace and strength in times of trouble. On the outside, we may look as though nothing has changed but on the inside we may be crumbling to the ground, looking for answers to make sense of the path that lies before us. While yet, living life to the fullest.

Reasons for Writing

The reason I'm writing has been impressed upon my heart for a long time. Thinking of different subjects to write about but never knowing for sure which way to go. Death seems to be a common factor in my life in recent years and with another significant I find myself at the threshold of grieving.

My first experience of death was May 1982 with my grandma but soon to be overshadowed by my sister's tragic death on August 14, 1982. She was only 21. I saw life taken so quickly. Someone who loved life and was a friend to many. Working at our local bank and winning her baseball game, even the night of the tragic accident on Friday the 13th. I don't like to be superstitious but when a Friday the 13th rolls around, it does bring back memories of the night my brother came breaking into our home to get my parents from a deep sleep.

I had just turned 17 on August 2. My AFS (American Foreign Exchange Student) sister was visiting that summer. I remember crawling back into mom and dad's waterbed with my sister, Cindy, so we could be close to the phone if and when they would call us. The next day, we found ourselves in Peoria at the hospital, where I saw my sister lying motionless with her eyes taped shut. Only to have to say our good-byes.

A life taken way too soon. Thoughts of 'Why wan't it me?' She was the fun, loving, outgoing one. I was the shy, quiet, farm girl, whose best friends were her furry pets. And later, learning after I had graduated high school that classmates thought I was stuck up.

Now my thoughts, I wish that folks would not judge so quickly of those who are shy. I, personally, think I'm quite funny and love to laugh. But yet, only a few who really get to know me will ever see that side. One of my favorite things to do is make people laugh. But yet, if I'm around sarcastic people, they will never see that side of me. I've learned too many times of the slander and jokes that people think are funny when they aim it as a person, rather than an object. All for those around to hear the laughter, but yet, forgetting the pain that they may be causing the person of whom they have just ridiculed.

So, yes, death and grieving have touched my heart and life. So here I sit, letting the thoughts flow through my mind, down to my finger tips to write from a heart saddened once again to process life with yet another loss in my life, my spiritual papa.

A Life's Journey

So, it's been awhile since I last wrote. I believe that I mentioned that I met another man. Needless to say, after many texts, many emails, many phone calls and long weekend fun times with him. He asked me to marry him on October 26. We met on ChristianMingle and we hit it off. Never did I imagine that God would bless me so quickly with bringing another Godly man into my life.

We met on June 7 and less than five months later he asked me to marry him. I said 'YES'. We plan to wed on February 15, 2014. The excitement continues to build inside of me as we plan our wedding.

But with the excitement comes lots of emotions yet for me. With losing Robert and the change of my life so quickly. It soon will be a year since losing mom and I'm feeling the absence of her life here on earth. I miss talking with her. There is so much a part of me that wishes she was here so I could tell her all about Paul and Mary Beth. I am finally giving her a 'step' granddaughter. Something I thought would never happen. But yet in this life's journey, God has a way of bringing things around.

It is yet again, that I am going to pack my house and move to another city. A city foreign to me but yet has new and exciting adventures for the future. A whole new world for me. God in is infinite power and wisdom, His love for us knows how to move us and knows us to the depth of giving us what we need. Not necessarily what we want but what we need.

I have found over this past year that God is faithful. When we make that commitment to Him and lay our lives down for His glory, He takes us seriously. People all around me are seeing God's faithfulness to me and how He has carried me in this past year. For your glory God....for your Glory. It is a good thing we do not know what lies ahead of us. We would probably run the other direction.

Where is God in your lifee today?

A Friend

So a couple of weeks ago, I met a friend. It has been nice to have someone that wants to communicate with me. We text, email, call all the time. I have met him twice in person. This weekend we have plans for a days drive to Knotts Island. I'm looking forward to the time together.

The healing continues to come. Even since meeting my friend, the part of me that died with Robert is being raised back up. There is a glimmer of joy once again in my life.

I am thankful to God for how He has provided. He has watched over me the last 8 1/2 month. He has placed around me the right people that I know has my best interest in mind. From the pastor I worked with, my lawyer, my accountant, my counselor, Bob and Vicki, the hospital where Robert was, many other pastors and friends in the area. And my family back home. I am alone but not really. The Lord has been faithful.

Right now I'm enjoying my new friend. He is a widower with a 19 year old daughter. He lost both his parents a year after his wife so he knows what I'm walking through. He has been wonderful with me. We both are free to talk about our spouses if a story comes up. I don't have to hide the fact that I have been married or to hide Robert. Robert will always be a part of me. My life with him changed me.

I thank The Lord He brought this friend in my life. I am liking the companionship.

Lord, thank you. You are faithful. You will supply my every need.

Healing Continues to Come

Healing Continues to Come in unexpected ways.

I recently met a friend. They sent me a link to a song. A song by Laura Story. A powerful song but one that has been hard for me to listen to since Robert's passing. Listening in the context of sitting here in the comfort of my home and not driving. The tears burned my eyes as the strolled down my cheeks. It touched a very deep place. The place of worship and intimacy in my life. The place that God dwells.

On the screen also had the history behind the song. Knowing the reason and the purpose and Laura's story, it touched my heart in a deep way. And yet another song was there so I played it as well. The tears continued to flow. The power of healing through song and a friend who cared.

It is at this time that I am finally able to listen once again to Christian radio.

Maybe one day I will be able to pray out loud with people again. My prayers since Robert's passing have only been tears. In public and in private.

God knows what we need. He knows how to get the sorrow out of our hearts. He knows and He is gentle with His caring heart.

The Lord is faithful to His children.

Phone Call

So I have heard many stories of folks who have lost loved ones, where they go to tell their spouse something and then remember they are not there. So far, I hadn't done that. I just knew that neither Robert nor my mom were there.

Just today at the end of my work day, I thought the day is almost over and when I get home I can call Robert and run over to the store. Wow! It took me back a little when I had to remind myself there is no more Robert and there is no more store.

For the last several days, I have had that desire to call mom on numerous occasions. And yet again, I had to remind myself she is not there.

What used to be a phone call away does not exist any more.

Take every advantage to say 'I love you' to your loved ones. Please don't take them for granted. One day you may wake up and they won't be there.

O to have one more phone call to either my Robert or to my mom.

Living life today and going forward. Thank you Lord for your grace.

Glimmer of Hope

Since Robert's passing, I have read a lot. You see things, you hear things, some things that are helpful and some I can't seem to agree with. You hold on to those things that help you in your time of distress.

One of the things I kept seeing was how people think that our loved ones become angels. Is there really proof in the Bible regarding this? Or is it just a simple way that one wants to believe in something that really may not be real.

Some believe that our loved ones are in heaven watching over us. This one has bothered me, as I can't believe that Robert would want to watch me in my time of grief and not be able to do something about it. Plus, if I do ever remarry, do I really want him to be watching me with my new husband. Just saying, as some folks like to say.

But tonight during my GriefShare group I had a bit of a revelation. I wonder how true this could possibly be.

If when we all get to heaven, we will know each other. For Robert and I, not as husband and wife but more as brother and sister in The Lord. So my revelation was, if Robert will know me when I get to heaven, does he remember me now. Can he be praying for me, especially with the situation that I am facing with my/our house. It was a battle he fought for a few years before I joined him and now I have been carrying since he passed. He is free from the worry and the stress of carrying the battle but is he, my husband, praying for me during this time? It was a comforting thought. Time is coming closer to seeing if I will be free of this battle that he carried for many years and is now free of.

This is something that I would like to inquire from some scholars to see if there may be any truth.

Even if my Robert is not praying, as he is now about our Heavenly Father's business, I can rest assure that I do have One intercessor praying for me. Jesus is my intercessor.

A small glimmer of Hope....a small glimmer of feeling close to my Robert once again. It once again connected me to heaven like I was when he first died.

O Lord, may Your Truth be made known. To know your ways and your thoughts. Let us not be deceived in our own thinking but let Your Truth reign here on Earth as it does in heaven.

Thank you Lord for your wisdom and understanding. Thank you for your grace for these past eight months. I continue to give you my life. A broken vessel that has crumbled. You and only You can put me back together.

Hate

Hate is a very strong word. According to Webster:
A: intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury
B: extreme dislike or antipathy: LOTHING hate of hard work

Today over 8 months since losing Robert, a sense of hate stirs in my heart.

Hate that I do not have my husband.
Hate that my life has totally turned upside down.
Hate that I have to wake each morning without finding my husband in my bed.
Hate that every evening going to sleep, it is by myself.
Hate that I don't have Robert to take care.
Hate that it took me 42 years to find Robert and only had him for 5 years.
Hate that I will never see my Robert’s eyes, smile or hear his laugh or his voice.
Hate that I have to go on with life without my Robert.
Hate it that my joy has been lost. I loved my life with Robert.
Hate that now I no longer have my parents as well.

My worst nightmare has happened. I have lost my family.

The grief and loss is heavy. It is taking a toll on my body.

Can The Lord truly turn my life around?

I continue to give my life to The Lord.
I lift my eyes unto the hills, whence comes my help? My help comes from the The Lord. Psalm 121

I hurt Lord.

Perseverance

When everything in your life changes, life requires perseverance. Whether we like it or not, we have to keep going or life will pass you by.

After the death of your spouse and it feels like half of you died, you have to keep walking. Three months later when your mom dies, it comes to the point of just holding on to the One above. Letting God carry you and walk in The Lord's grace.

The blows that hit you, they hit hard. Everything you go to do is different. All those around are you are new. It's a new life. New friends. New Church. New co-workers.

Carrying grief is heavy. All the decisions you have to make takes a lot out of you. Making new friends can take a lot out you, it is a total blessing but can be weary.

Last week I started walking with a group from the college in my neighborhood. I'm getting exercise and meeting new people. Last night I went to a ladies group with a friend that I just met this year at another 'new' ladies group that I have been attending this year.

One looks for the familiar but when the familiar is not there, you have to keep going. There is no going back. Only looking forward and moving forward. At times I would love to stay in the state of grieving and shock and unbelief but I know it is not healthy. Also, I learned this with my sister's death 30 years ago. I had just turned 17 and saw life taken. I still remember my thougths 'why live if you are just going to die'. I struggled with this for many years. The Lord graciously healed me. There was a time when I had to chose to live and to chose life. It is now at this same time with losing Robert that I have to chose to live. I have to chose to go on with life.

I'm ready. I do chose life. I thank God for my time with Robert. He will always be a part of my life. He made a huge impact on my life and my life is much different today than it was five years ago.

To go on with life takes perseverance. Thank you Lord for your strength. Thank you for carrying me. Thank you for being there and never leaving me. You are my everything.

New Hope

From total exhaustion to feeling inspired...

Lots of dreams and desires going through my head. Yes, my heart is still hurting and I know there are still tears to shed but I feel a sense of hope.

New Bucket List as some folks say:

Travel to Oregon to see my sister Cindy.
Travel to California to see my friend Lisa.
Travel to Arkansas to see my friend Donna.
Possibly 2014 (if they still do the trips) a mission trip to Morocco with friends from Spain.

Still lots to do. Still feel weak. But a new day is coming.

Thank you Lord for your hope in my heart. I continue to give you my life. Only in You and You alone comes my strength.

Total Exhaustion

On Friday, May 17, I celebrated what would have been our 5th Anniversary getting the car oil changed, having lunch with a friend and a bit of shopping. Then, I thought another friend was coming for the weekend but her car broke down and I spent the weekend by myself.

In some ways, it was probably better. My body hit total exhaustion. There is a battle that my husband and I faced. Something that my husband was walking through alone till we got married. It was a heavy battle. Now, I just got word from my lawyer this past week and I think the battle is about over. With all of the grief of losing Robert and my mom, as well as, being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. And as my lawyer said 'he doesn't think there is a train there'. My body gave way.

It has been a long time, but yesterday I did absolutely nothing but check facebook, email, play solitaire and watch movies. Now today I am still tired but plan on going to church.

Our plans have been moved to next weekend for getting together. Still looking forward to my time with my friend.

There are times when we have to give ourselves permission to grieve, time to rest and let our bodies heal.

Lord, I welcome You to come and strengthen my body. I thank you Lord that the battle belongs to you. I thank you for your faithfulness.

The battle is almost over.

Not A Surprise

Knowing God's Character, I feel this day that nothing is a surprise for Him. He knows every hair on our head. He knows us so intimately. He knows when we wake and we lie down to sleep.

As I experienced in Israel back in 2006, God knew where I was. I was lost in a city by myself but yet He was there. He showed Himself in a very real way. It is now with those same thoughts that nothing is a surprise for Him. I count it a privilege to have Robert for the five years that I did. Today as I write this, it would have been our 5th Anniversary. My heart is grateful for the time that I had with him. I miss him terribly. My body has taken such a shock, I am weak and tired. I have no strength. Even when I'm walking and trying to eat right, my body is still weak.

My thoughts are wondering if I will ever have strength again. But one thing I know is that The Lord has not left me. Robert dying was not a surprise to Him. I was committed to my husband. We walked through some rough times, but I was committed to my husband and the covenant that I made before God. He is faithful. I am blessed beyond measure that I can serve our Lord, that I can put my trust in Him.

He saw Robert's desire to be married. I believe, The Lord saw what Robert would be walking through and he knew Robert would need a helpmate. I am so grateful that He counted me worthy to bring me into Robert's life when He did. I wished it would have been longer but I believe God sees the Big pictures of our lives. He was taken too soon but yet we live in a fallen world.

It is living our lives with 'No Regrets'. No one knows the last breathe they will take. Live your life fully unto The Lord.

Lord you are faithful. I continue to give you my life.

Living Life

When your whole world changes, what do you do? Figuring life out once again.

My life for the last 5years revolved around Robert and the bookstore. Whatever I did, I did for the two of us. Working part-time, paying bills, cleaning the house, mowing, laundry and whatever else I found to do. Then, usually most days heading to the store to spend some time with Robert. While at the store, we would need to find books, get them packaged up and then I would bring them home to finish bagging them to get them in the mail. We had over 17,000 books for sell on-line. It kept us busy.

So, now, I work part-time Monday-Friday 8:30-12:30 at a church. The rest of my time is for me to get things accomplished from both deaths. Still working on legal matters and needing to go through both houses and get rid of more stuff.

There are times now, where I am so tired so I do facebook quite a bit. And I day dream to find myself and the desires of my heart. Where? When? Why? How? What? Life is open to whatever I want to make of it now. I am no longer connected to anything or anyone. For 47 years, mom and dad were always there. Then, when I was 25 I went into YWAM. I knew The Lord wanted me to be apart of it and didn't feel the release from that ministry till I got married 18 years later. In 1997, I joined Bob and Vicki and traveled and ministered all over. Vicki was the one who got me on E-harmony whre I met and married Robert. Then, last summer I was released of being a coordinator with another ministry. And now, with both deaths, it is left with me with God.

Now, don't get me wrong, Bob and Vicki are still very much in my life. I have cousins, aunts and uncles and my grandma all who live out in Illinois. I have many friends all over the world and continue to gain more friends which I am so grateful for.

It's just now. I am living in a city unfamiliar to me except for the last 5 years of my life. I feel the whole world is open to me. I believed going into YWAM that God wanted to set me free. I had a lot of bondages and hurts especially with losing my sister when I just turned 17. Now, that I sit here and write this, that is what I felt The Lord told me when I went to YWAM that He was going to set me free, to heal me. How do you get healing with all the deaths that are involved with one's life. But I can rejoice because I know where they all are. It is getting through this grief that is upon me right now. There are no short cuts. There are no handguides to lead you. Each greif walk leads a different path for everyone.

I believe that God brought me into Robert's life for the last 5 years of his life. We/I thought we had more time together but we didn't. I am still living and I chose to live and get healing from losing my husband. I was able to bring joy and love and a safe haven for Robert to come home to. He carried a heavy load, one of which I'm still carrying but I'm hoping it is coming to an end soon.

It is now, I feel the door is wide-open for life. I'm seeing a counselor, I am a part of GriefShare which I feel is very timely for me. I just joined a group of women with one gentleman walking over at the college beside me. Wednesday nights I go to the church for a meal. And I have joined a ball room dancing group. There are other things on my heart and I want to venture out and see where it takes me. Growing up as a shy, farm girl, I didn't experience much and I was to afraid to do things by myself. It is now in my life, that I am doing things by myself. And I'm making it.

Yes, the afternoons and evenings get long. Yes, the weekends get long. But I am making it and I know that God is healing me.

Where will my life lead to? It's the first time since becoming a christian that I don't feel like ministry, although I think that may come back once I get stronger. Right now, my body is weak. I'm tired but my battle from the last 5 years is hopefully coming to an end.

Jesus died on the Cross to set us free. He desires to use us. He longs to give us the desire of our hearts. I know one day I will be joined again to Robert. Not as husband and wife but as children of God.  That day that we all should long for.

I chose this day to live life. The life that Jesus died for to bring Him glory. My desire is that my life would be an example and that others would desire to know our Lord Jesus Christ.

How are you living your life?

Spring Season

Took my nightly walk. The weather is great for me. Most would say it is too cold but I like the cooler weather. Walking around my familiar neighborhood, I passed the ball field on the way home. It is the ball field that has caused me to live where I do.

Over twenty-six years ago, my husband played ball on that field and umpired for at least 18 years. When this house became available, he looked at is and bought it, as is. His thoughts at the time were that his wife could do whatever she wanted to do with the house. Little did he know that it would take him another twenty years to find his wife. It was a bachelor pad when I first moved in. I think some of my first blogs on here talks about it.

Our little house became our home. First for my husband, then for us together for a short time and now for me. It is that time of year that was always crazy for us. He was a fast-pitch umpire. Usually mid-March would start the season till the end of school, about three months. I was always ready for the break and for the pay check to pay bills.

I have so many fond memories going with him to his games. He was a proud peacock with his wife tagging along. I would take my pink chair and sit behind the catchers mound or first base, depending which plate he was covering. I learned to appreciate the game. Being the umpire's wife, I knew that I needed not to cheer for either team. Most of the time the folks didn't know who I was. Some would look at me and wonder who I was and why was I sitting on their side. And there were those that did know.

Every opportunity that Robert would get, he would come and talk and share with me. Last spring I started going with him to his slow ball games to learn how to keep score. I was getting good but the opportunity never came. I thought maybe in the fall. My fall took another turn.

Sitting behind the catcher's mound with my husband right before me growling at the outs, is something that I had to grieve. My life changed. As I go by that field in the mornings on the way to work and as I walk beside it for my nightly walk, there is a little twing in my heart. Sometimes the tears weld up in my eyes, sometimes I can cherish the memories and sometimes it hurts. I hope one day that I will be able to go to another ball game. It's the spring season for ball players, but it is the weeping season for me. One day, maybe, I will be able to cherish the many games where I got to watch my hubby umpire.

It's knowing the seasons in our life. Taking one day at a time. Walking in God's grace.

Thank you Lord for your grace. Thank you Lord for your healing.

Alone Time

Once again, only five years later I deal with being single. It feels different this time. I had five years with someone I loved. I found love. But it once again facing alone time.

It's easier to be alone when you know someone is going to be coming home. Or someone will be phoning you. This time I have my two cats who like to keep me company when I sit on the couch. Cali likes to follow where ever I am. Ginger every minute she can likes to sit on my lap. But yet, I can sit here all day long and get no phone calls. There are many I could call but trying to figure out who is available and wants to talk or do something.

It is a conscious endeavor to keep ahead of the moment and day to keep myself busy. Although, I need my down time. I like to clean and do laundry things here around the house on Saturday mornings.

When I'm home the tv is always on, but I am rarely watching it. A lot of times it is just high enough to hear it. It seems my ears ring all the time from the silence that echoes through the house.

It is once again finding peace with 'alone time'. It is making a conscious effort to create a life. I have experienced a lot with being in missions, having a husband and losing him and losing three others in my family. From being a shy farm girl who traveled the world to living in a city foreign land to her.

There is a lot more to do here but I still only want to do those things that God would have me do. I don't want to do things just to keep busy. But for now I rest. There is still a lot I am carrying. I am in need of a miracle with my house. My quote 'God will meet all your needs.'

Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.

New Perspective

When one's life changes so drastically, especially when it involves losing your spouse, your whole perspective on life, your walk with God, your relationship with others and so on...changes.

It is walking through the journey of grief, leaning heavily upon God and trusting that His grace is there for everything that you are feeling and believing. And that He will make sense out of your life.

When you think your life is making sense and you know the direction your life will take, it is quite a jolt when your spouse dies. For me, to be living in a city that is unfamiliar ground for me except for those events, life happenings that all involved Robert for five years. My involvement with Newport News was Robert. I was only here a few times before and only touched a tip of what the city had to offer.

Robert was born and raised here. The only thing was his marriage license was in Illinois because of me. He owned this town. He was in the publics eye. We couldn't go anywhere without running into someone that he knew. He knew a lot of the history with the city, the churches, the schools and so forth. I was so proud to be his wife. He told me so many stories. Stories now that I wished I would have written down. He was brilliant, with a huge heart, one full of kindness.

I can only trust now that The Lord will show me the 'New Life' that He is desiring for my life.

Dreaming with God is a whole new perspective. You look at things totally different. In some ways, you have no fear because nothing you will go through will be like that of the nightmare of losing your husband. But in other ways, you have more fears or maybe I should say more vulnerability. Your secure world with your spouse is no longer. We are never promised tomorrow. Everyone knows that but when it happens to you, even that has a whole new meaning.

A New Perspective... What will my life look like? Where am I headed? What is God's plans for my life? For 47 years, I knew where God wanted me and now I'm free from anything that has held me. No ministry, no parents, no husband...this is the familiar ground that I walked on. I gave everything I had for ministry in YWAM and with my husband and the bookstore.

Jesus, You are My Rock of which I can stand. I trust that You will continue to lead me, to heal me, to show me the path that You want me to take and bring the people in my life that You want in my life.

Thank you.