Perseverance

When everything in your life changes, life requires perseverance. Whether we like it or not, we have to keep going or life will pass you by.

After the death of your spouse and it feels like half of you died, you have to keep walking. Three months later when your mom dies, it comes to the point of just holding on to the One above. Letting God carry you and walk in The Lord's grace.

The blows that hit you, they hit hard. Everything you go to do is different. All those around are you are new. It's a new life. New friends. New Church. New co-workers.

Carrying grief is heavy. All the decisions you have to make takes a lot out of you. Making new friends can take a lot out you, it is a total blessing but can be weary.

Last week I started walking with a group from the college in my neighborhood. I'm getting exercise and meeting new people. Last night I went to a ladies group with a friend that I just met this year at another 'new' ladies group that I have been attending this year.

One looks for the familiar but when the familiar is not there, you have to keep going. There is no going back. Only looking forward and moving forward. At times I would love to stay in the state of grieving and shock and unbelief but I know it is not healthy. Also, I learned this with my sister's death 30 years ago. I had just turned 17 and saw life taken. I still remember my thougths 'why live if you are just going to die'. I struggled with this for many years. The Lord graciously healed me. There was a time when I had to chose to live and to chose life. It is now at this same time with losing Robert that I have to chose to live. I have to chose to go on with life.

I'm ready. I do chose life. I thank God for my time with Robert. He will always be a part of my life. He made a huge impact on my life and my life is much different today than it was five years ago.

To go on with life takes perseverance. Thank you Lord for your strength. Thank you for carrying me. Thank you for being there and never leaving me. You are my everything.

New Hope

From total exhaustion to feeling inspired...

Lots of dreams and desires going through my head. Yes, my heart is still hurting and I know there are still tears to shed but I feel a sense of hope.

New Bucket List as some folks say:

Travel to Oregon to see my sister Cindy.
Travel to California to see my friend Lisa.
Travel to Arkansas to see my friend Donna.
Possibly 2014 (if they still do the trips) a mission trip to Morocco with friends from Spain.

Still lots to do. Still feel weak. But a new day is coming.

Thank you Lord for your hope in my heart. I continue to give you my life. Only in You and You alone comes my strength.

Total Exhaustion

On Friday, May 17, I celebrated what would have been our 5th Anniversary getting the car oil changed, having lunch with a friend and a bit of shopping. Then, I thought another friend was coming for the weekend but her car broke down and I spent the weekend by myself.

In some ways, it was probably better. My body hit total exhaustion. There is a battle that my husband and I faced. Something that my husband was walking through alone till we got married. It was a heavy battle. Now, I just got word from my lawyer this past week and I think the battle is about over. With all of the grief of losing Robert and my mom, as well as, being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. And as my lawyer said 'he doesn't think there is a train there'. My body gave way.

It has been a long time, but yesterday I did absolutely nothing but check facebook, email, play solitaire and watch movies. Now today I am still tired but plan on going to church.

Our plans have been moved to next weekend for getting together. Still looking forward to my time with my friend.

There are times when we have to give ourselves permission to grieve, time to rest and let our bodies heal.

Lord, I welcome You to come and strengthen my body. I thank you Lord that the battle belongs to you. I thank you for your faithfulness.

The battle is almost over.

Not A Surprise

Knowing God's Character, I feel this day that nothing is a surprise for Him. He knows every hair on our head. He knows us so intimately. He knows when we wake and we lie down to sleep.

As I experienced in Israel back in 2006, God knew where I was. I was lost in a city by myself but yet He was there. He showed Himself in a very real way. It is now with those same thoughts that nothing is a surprise for Him. I count it a privilege to have Robert for the five years that I did. Today as I write this, it would have been our 5th Anniversary. My heart is grateful for the time that I had with him. I miss him terribly. My body has taken such a shock, I am weak and tired. I have no strength. Even when I'm walking and trying to eat right, my body is still weak.

My thoughts are wondering if I will ever have strength again. But one thing I know is that The Lord has not left me. Robert dying was not a surprise to Him. I was committed to my husband. We walked through some rough times, but I was committed to my husband and the covenant that I made before God. He is faithful. I am blessed beyond measure that I can serve our Lord, that I can put my trust in Him.

He saw Robert's desire to be married. I believe, The Lord saw what Robert would be walking through and he knew Robert would need a helpmate. I am so grateful that He counted me worthy to bring me into Robert's life when He did. I wished it would have been longer but I believe God sees the Big pictures of our lives. He was taken too soon but yet we live in a fallen world.

It is living our lives with 'No Regrets'. No one knows the last breathe they will take. Live your life fully unto The Lord.

Lord you are faithful. I continue to give you my life.

Living Life

When your whole world changes, what do you do? Figuring life out once again.

My life for the last 5years revolved around Robert and the bookstore. Whatever I did, I did for the two of us. Working part-time, paying bills, cleaning the house, mowing, laundry and whatever else I found to do. Then, usually most days heading to the store to spend some time with Robert. While at the store, we would need to find books, get them packaged up and then I would bring them home to finish bagging them to get them in the mail. We had over 17,000 books for sell on-line. It kept us busy.

So, now, I work part-time Monday-Friday 8:30-12:30 at a church. The rest of my time is for me to get things accomplished from both deaths. Still working on legal matters and needing to go through both houses and get rid of more stuff.

There are times now, where I am so tired so I do facebook quite a bit. And I day dream to find myself and the desires of my heart. Where? When? Why? How? What? Life is open to whatever I want to make of it now. I am no longer connected to anything or anyone. For 47 years, mom and dad were always there. Then, when I was 25 I went into YWAM. I knew The Lord wanted me to be apart of it and didn't feel the release from that ministry till I got married 18 years later. In 1997, I joined Bob and Vicki and traveled and ministered all over. Vicki was the one who got me on E-harmony whre I met and married Robert. Then, last summer I was released of being a coordinator with another ministry. And now, with both deaths, it is left with me with God.

Now, don't get me wrong, Bob and Vicki are still very much in my life. I have cousins, aunts and uncles and my grandma all who live out in Illinois. I have many friends all over the world and continue to gain more friends which I am so grateful for.

It's just now. I am living in a city unfamiliar to me except for the last 5 years of my life. I feel the whole world is open to me. I believed going into YWAM that God wanted to set me free. I had a lot of bondages and hurts especially with losing my sister when I just turned 17. Now, that I sit here and write this, that is what I felt The Lord told me when I went to YWAM that He was going to set me free, to heal me. How do you get healing with all the deaths that are involved with one's life. But I can rejoice because I know where they all are. It is getting through this grief that is upon me right now. There are no short cuts. There are no handguides to lead you. Each greif walk leads a different path for everyone.

I believe that God brought me into Robert's life for the last 5 years of his life. We/I thought we had more time together but we didn't. I am still living and I chose to live and get healing from losing my husband. I was able to bring joy and love and a safe haven for Robert to come home to. He carried a heavy load, one of which I'm still carrying but I'm hoping it is coming to an end soon.

It is now, I feel the door is wide-open for life. I'm seeing a counselor, I am a part of GriefShare which I feel is very timely for me. I just joined a group of women with one gentleman walking over at the college beside me. Wednesday nights I go to the church for a meal. And I have joined a ball room dancing group. There are other things on my heart and I want to venture out and see where it takes me. Growing up as a shy, farm girl, I didn't experience much and I was to afraid to do things by myself. It is now in my life, that I am doing things by myself. And I'm making it.

Yes, the afternoons and evenings get long. Yes, the weekends get long. But I am making it and I know that God is healing me.

Where will my life lead to? It's the first time since becoming a christian that I don't feel like ministry, although I think that may come back once I get stronger. Right now, my body is weak. I'm tired but my battle from the last 5 years is hopefully coming to an end.

Jesus died on the Cross to set us free. He desires to use us. He longs to give us the desire of our hearts. I know one day I will be joined again to Robert. Not as husband and wife but as children of God.  That day that we all should long for.

I chose this day to live life. The life that Jesus died for to bring Him glory. My desire is that my life would be an example and that others would desire to know our Lord Jesus Christ.

How are you living your life?

Spring Season

Took my nightly walk. The weather is great for me. Most would say it is too cold but I like the cooler weather. Walking around my familiar neighborhood, I passed the ball field on the way home. It is the ball field that has caused me to live where I do.

Over twenty-six years ago, my husband played ball on that field and umpired for at least 18 years. When this house became available, he looked at is and bought it, as is. His thoughts at the time were that his wife could do whatever she wanted to do with the house. Little did he know that it would take him another twenty years to find his wife. It was a bachelor pad when I first moved in. I think some of my first blogs on here talks about it.

Our little house became our home. First for my husband, then for us together for a short time and now for me. It is that time of year that was always crazy for us. He was a fast-pitch umpire. Usually mid-March would start the season till the end of school, about three months. I was always ready for the break and for the pay check to pay bills.

I have so many fond memories going with him to his games. He was a proud peacock with his wife tagging along. I would take my pink chair and sit behind the catchers mound or first base, depending which plate he was covering. I learned to appreciate the game. Being the umpire's wife, I knew that I needed not to cheer for either team. Most of the time the folks didn't know who I was. Some would look at me and wonder who I was and why was I sitting on their side. And there were those that did know.

Every opportunity that Robert would get, he would come and talk and share with me. Last spring I started going with him to his slow ball games to learn how to keep score. I was getting good but the opportunity never came. I thought maybe in the fall. My fall took another turn.

Sitting behind the catcher's mound with my husband right before me growling at the outs, is something that I had to grieve. My life changed. As I go by that field in the mornings on the way to work and as I walk beside it for my nightly walk, there is a little twing in my heart. Sometimes the tears weld up in my eyes, sometimes I can cherish the memories and sometimes it hurts. I hope one day that I will be able to go to another ball game. It's the spring season for ball players, but it is the weeping season for me. One day, maybe, I will be able to cherish the many games where I got to watch my hubby umpire.

It's knowing the seasons in our life. Taking one day at a time. Walking in God's grace.

Thank you Lord for your grace. Thank you Lord for your healing.

Alone Time

Once again, only five years later I deal with being single. It feels different this time. I had five years with someone I loved. I found love. But it once again facing alone time.

It's easier to be alone when you know someone is going to be coming home. Or someone will be phoning you. This time I have my two cats who like to keep me company when I sit on the couch. Cali likes to follow where ever I am. Ginger every minute she can likes to sit on my lap. But yet, I can sit here all day long and get no phone calls. There are many I could call but trying to figure out who is available and wants to talk or do something.

It is a conscious endeavor to keep ahead of the moment and day to keep myself busy. Although, I need my down time. I like to clean and do laundry things here around the house on Saturday mornings.

When I'm home the tv is always on, but I am rarely watching it. A lot of times it is just high enough to hear it. It seems my ears ring all the time from the silence that echoes through the house.

It is once again finding peace with 'alone time'. It is making a conscious effort to create a life. I have experienced a lot with being in missions, having a husband and losing him and losing three others in my family. From being a shy farm girl who traveled the world to living in a city foreign land to her.

There is a lot more to do here but I still only want to do those things that God would have me do. I don't want to do things just to keep busy. But for now I rest. There is still a lot I am carrying. I am in need of a miracle with my house. My quote 'God will meet all your needs.'

Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.

New Perspective

When one's life changes so drastically, especially when it involves losing your spouse, your whole perspective on life, your walk with God, your relationship with others and so on...changes.

It is walking through the journey of grief, leaning heavily upon God and trusting that His grace is there for everything that you are feeling and believing. And that He will make sense out of your life.

When you think your life is making sense and you know the direction your life will take, it is quite a jolt when your spouse dies. For me, to be living in a city that is unfamiliar ground for me except for those events, life happenings that all involved Robert for five years. My involvement with Newport News was Robert. I was only here a few times before and only touched a tip of what the city had to offer.

Robert was born and raised here. The only thing was his marriage license was in Illinois because of me. He owned this town. He was in the publics eye. We couldn't go anywhere without running into someone that he knew. He knew a lot of the history with the city, the churches, the schools and so forth. I was so proud to be his wife. He told me so many stories. Stories now that I wished I would have written down. He was brilliant, with a huge heart, one full of kindness.

I can only trust now that The Lord will show me the 'New Life' that He is desiring for my life.

Dreaming with God is a whole new perspective. You look at things totally different. In some ways, you have no fear because nothing you will go through will be like that of the nightmare of losing your husband. But in other ways, you have more fears or maybe I should say more vulnerability. Your secure world with your spouse is no longer. We are never promised tomorrow. Everyone knows that but when it happens to you, even that has a whole new meaning.

A New Perspective... What will my life look like? Where am I headed? What is God's plans for my life? For 47 years, I knew where God wanted me and now I'm free from anything that has held me. No ministry, no parents, no husband...this is the familiar ground that I walked on. I gave everything I had for ministry in YWAM and with my husband and the bookstore.

Jesus, You are My Rock of which I can stand. I trust that You will continue to lead me, to heal me, to show me the path that You want me to take and bring the people in my life that You want in my life.

Thank you.

A Deeper Healing

Last night was my second night at GriefShare. All through the evening, even before I got in there, the tears kept coming. I'm not sure why, unless I know deep down that this is a safe place where I know people are going to understand my tears. I don't have to hide them, pretend things are okay, but truly let out the dam break and the tears can come flooding out.

My small group has a family of 5 that lost two people in their family. We exchanged phone numbers. They invited me to be a part of their family. Actually, as I was driving there, my thoughts went to 'what if I were in an accident, who would they contact?' I have no one here for an emergency number. It is different not having close family.

All the changes....being by myself...

The question last night 'What do I think my new normal looks like?' At this point in my life, I have no idea. I have no reference point as to what, where, when my life is going to go and what it will look like.

The book I am reading believes that I can totally be healed, not that I will ever forget Robert but the sting of death I won't have to live with.

Until then....I miss my Robert. I miss my life with him.

Let the cleaning flood come.

Memory Lane

Every where I go. The streets I drive on. The stores I see. The houses around. The restaurants to serve. So many place that I have been in these past 5 1/2 years. My memories of Robert are in full swing. I see him and us together in each and every one of these places. I see him walking around. I see him smiling and having his smirk on his face. We strolled through aisles together. We sat at many tables and shared our hearts and our lives together.

I remember his touch. I remember his smell. I am remembering everything about him. The reason that I loved him. The reason it hurts so much not to have him. The reason we were together. We spent as much of our waking time together as we could and as time allowed.

The tears come because we loved so much. We were one with each other. We moved as one. I supported him in his call and dream to run the store.

What I am left with now are the memories of him and I together. Never being able to touch or feel him again. Or to hear his voice. And all of our goofy times together. The times we laughed. The times we watched a sentimental movie and I could hear his little 'mmmm'. Don't think I ever saw a tear but I could hear him and know when something touched his heart so deep.

Right now it's allowing the memories to come and trusting God to catch me on the other side. To have a hope that God will one day restore my life and bring a joy back and a reason for living.

So for now, I walk down memory lane and trust that God is there leading me as I go.

Memories

When Robert first died, I could not hear his voice, I could not see him, I had no memories of anything we did. For about 4 months I remained in a bubble (shock). About two months ago, the tears will find their way out at some point during every day. Finally the memories of everything that Robert and I did over the last 5 years is returning to my mind.

It was a short time of knowing him but we did a lot in that time. I'm so glad I can finally see him in the memories in my mind. I thought they were lost for ever.

Memories that I can cherish and hold on to for the rest of my life. Robert was my blessing from God. No one can take away what we had together. The gem that I found and took the risk to love and cherish. The man who pursued me and won my heart.

Memories last a life time. Cherish those you love. Always tell them you love them. You never know when that last day will be.

Robert and I told each other every day that we loved each other. It was usually the last thing we said before falling asleep in each other's arms.

I love and miss you Robert. You were my everything!

Peace with Silence

Something new that I noticed this past week, was being able to walk into work, sit down at my desk and start working. Before my trip to Illinois, the first thing I would do was start music at my desk and had it playing most of the morning.

Then, I realized the same thing here at home. I walk in and start doing things in the kitchen or somewhere else and noticed I haven't turned the TV on. Normally that is the first thing that I would do.

And being able to go to bed, read for a few moments, turn the light out and go to sleep till morning in my own bed. Waking up in the morning and being able to lay there and enjoy the silence before my mind starts going too much with thoughts of Robert not being here.

Coming to a place of peace with silence.

Ground Hog Day....movie!

Losing your spouse is kind of like the movie Ground Hog day. Each day Bill Murray would wake up and it kept repeating itself. He knew what was coming next and then he would try to fix something but then each morning, the same thing would repeat.

So, is losing your spouse. It feels like a nightmare that you can not wake up from. From the time your eyes open in the morning, that deep knowing that life is not the same. You go about your day and try to wake yourself up from the reality that your spouse is gone.

I have taken up ball room dancing and learned that I love it. Today, I talked with a nurse who is starting a walking program here in my neighborhood at Christopher Newport University (CNU). And of course while she was talking with me, she kept asking if I was ok. She could tell something was going on. It was just one of my moments where the tears come and not much I can do. So, I now have gained a 'new' friend to call if I need to talk. Very nice lady and she introduced me to a website www.meetups.com. I found a couple of groups on there that look interesting.

This afternoon I was so tired of spending so much time here trying to make all the necessary calls and  take care of business, I went out shopping. Found some new cloths. It's time for a new look. I'm trying to think about what is good for me with walking, eating right, gaining friends and getting things in order.

Will I learn all the lessons I need to during this season of my life. Will my nightmare ever cease? To find the love of your life and have him for such a short time. Robert and I were so much a like. He was like a glove that fit my hand. He completed me and it felt good. We enjoyed each other and our friendship. God truly blessed me with a wonderful man. It was just too short of time.

The joy of my heart has been taken.

A Heavy Heart

So, here I sit. It's been a busy week with all the phone calls and various things I needed to take care of.  Tonight, I had over 2 hours of ball room dance lessons. My teacher is very happy with me and surprised how quickly I can pick up dancing. He said that it comes naturally for me.

Dancing is such an intimate move. Getting so lost in the music, concentrating on the steps and allowing yourself to be lead around the dance floor by your partner. Great exercise, but yet such a joy to dance.

I started GriefShare last night with Liberty Baptist. So, for the next 12 weeks, every Wednesday night, I will be busy. Do I really want to go? Not, really. But the heavy heart and void in my life has caused me to go. It's still hard to imagine life without Robert. I can't believe that he is dead and I will never see him or speak with him.

My days find enough activities to get involved with. Monday I am getting together with Marilyn and Cindy. Looking forward to my time with them. Have a few other friends I want to get together with.

Even though I have plans most days, the tears continue to find me. At some point during the day they come. They are a faithful friend right now.

God's word says that He turns our mourning into joy. It's hard for me to imagine. A life of solitude. My kitties don't talk so much.

The void is deep. My heart is heavy. People say I'm doing well but what else could I do. I have to walk through it. I have lost my husband, mom and dad. My life has been forever changed. Who will God bring in my life to be family for me here in Virginia? Do I stay here? Robert wasn't the reason I'm in Virginia, just Newport News.

Can God really bring the healing I need? All I can do is rest in His arms and trust one day I will have joy again. A smile and laughter can hide a lot of things. There is a deep river that is rushing inside of me.

Lord, I am not far from your sight. I know you see what I'm walking through. I continue to thank you for being in my life and bringing the healing I need. Take this heavy heart from me.

Thank you.