Reasons for Writing

The reason I'm writing has been impressed upon my heart for a long time. Thinking of different subjects to write about but never knowing for sure which way to go. Death seems to be a common factor in my life in recent years and with another significant I find myself at the threshold of grieving.

My first experience of death was May 1982 with my grandma but soon to be overshadowed by my sister's tragic death on August 14, 1982. She was only 21. I saw life taken so quickly. Someone who loved life and was a friend to many. Working at our local bank and winning her baseball game, even the night of the tragic accident on Friday the 13th. I don't like to be superstitious but when a Friday the 13th rolls around, it does bring back memories of the night my brother came breaking into our home to get my parents from a deep sleep.

I had just turned 17 on August 2. My AFS (American Foreign Exchange Student) sister was visiting that summer. I remember crawling back into mom and dad's waterbed with my sister, Cindy, so we could be close to the phone if and when they would call us. The next day, we found ourselves in Peoria at the hospital, where I saw my sister lying motionless with her eyes taped shut. Only to have to say our good-byes.

A life taken way too soon. Thoughts of 'Why wan't it me?' She was the fun, loving, outgoing one. I was the shy, quiet, farm girl, whose best friends were her furry pets. And later, learning after I had graduated high school that classmates thought I was stuck up.

Now my thoughts, I wish that folks would not judge so quickly of those who are shy. I, personally, think I'm quite funny and love to laugh. But yet, only a few who really get to know me will ever see that side. One of my favorite things to do is make people laugh. But yet, if I'm around sarcastic people, they will never see that side of me. I've learned too many times of the slander and jokes that people think are funny when they aim it as a person, rather than an object. All for those around to hear the laughter, but yet, forgetting the pain that they may be causing the person of whom they have just ridiculed.

So, yes, death and grieving have touched my heart and life. So here I sit, letting the thoughts flow through my mind, down to my finger tips to write from a heart saddened once again to process life with yet another loss in my life, my spiritual papa.

A Life's Journey

So, it's been awhile since I last wrote. I believe that I mentioned that I met another man. Needless to say, after many texts, many emails, many phone calls and long weekend fun times with him. He asked me to marry him on October 26. We met on ChristianMingle and we hit it off. Never did I imagine that God would bless me so quickly with bringing another Godly man into my life.

We met on June 7 and less than five months later he asked me to marry him. I said 'YES'. We plan to wed on February 15, 2014. The excitement continues to build inside of me as we plan our wedding.

But with the excitement comes lots of emotions yet for me. With losing Robert and the change of my life so quickly. It soon will be a year since losing mom and I'm feeling the absence of her life here on earth. I miss talking with her. There is so much a part of me that wishes she was here so I could tell her all about Paul and Mary Beth. I am finally giving her a 'step' granddaughter. Something I thought would never happen. But yet in this life's journey, God has a way of bringing things around.

It is yet again, that I am going to pack my house and move to another city. A city foreign to me but yet has new and exciting adventures for the future. A whole new world for me. God in is infinite power and wisdom, His love for us knows how to move us and knows us to the depth of giving us what we need. Not necessarily what we want but what we need.

I have found over this past year that God is faithful. When we make that commitment to Him and lay our lives down for His glory, He takes us seriously. People all around me are seeing God's faithfulness to me and how He has carried me in this past year. For your glory God....for your Glory. It is a good thing we do not know what lies ahead of us. We would probably run the other direction.

Where is God in your lifee today?

A Friend

So a couple of weeks ago, I met a friend. It has been nice to have someone that wants to communicate with me. We text, email, call all the time. I have met him twice in person. This weekend we have plans for a days drive to Knotts Island. I'm looking forward to the time together.

The healing continues to come. Even since meeting my friend, the part of me that died with Robert is being raised back up. There is a glimmer of joy once again in my life.

I am thankful to God for how He has provided. He has watched over me the last 8 1/2 month. He has placed around me the right people that I know has my best interest in mind. From the pastor I worked with, my lawyer, my accountant, my counselor, Bob and Vicki, the hospital where Robert was, many other pastors and friends in the area. And my family back home. I am alone but not really. The Lord has been faithful.

Right now I'm enjoying my new friend. He is a widower with a 19 year old daughter. He lost both his parents a year after his wife so he knows what I'm walking through. He has been wonderful with me. We both are free to talk about our spouses if a story comes up. I don't have to hide the fact that I have been married or to hide Robert. Robert will always be a part of me. My life with him changed me.

I thank The Lord He brought this friend in my life. I am liking the companionship.

Lord, thank you. You are faithful. You will supply my every need.

Healing Continues to Come

Healing Continues to Come in unexpected ways.

I recently met a friend. They sent me a link to a song. A song by Laura Story. A powerful song but one that has been hard for me to listen to since Robert's passing. Listening in the context of sitting here in the comfort of my home and not driving. The tears burned my eyes as the strolled down my cheeks. It touched a very deep place. The place of worship and intimacy in my life. The place that God dwells.

On the screen also had the history behind the song. Knowing the reason and the purpose and Laura's story, it touched my heart in a deep way. And yet another song was there so I played it as well. The tears continued to flow. The power of healing through song and a friend who cared.

It is at this time that I am finally able to listen once again to Christian radio.

Maybe one day I will be able to pray out loud with people again. My prayers since Robert's passing have only been tears. In public and in private.

God knows what we need. He knows how to get the sorrow out of our hearts. He knows and He is gentle with His caring heart.

The Lord is faithful to His children.

Phone Call

So I have heard many stories of folks who have lost loved ones, where they go to tell their spouse something and then remember they are not there. So far, I hadn't done that. I just knew that neither Robert nor my mom were there.

Just today at the end of my work day, I thought the day is almost over and when I get home I can call Robert and run over to the store. Wow! It took me back a little when I had to remind myself there is no more Robert and there is no more store.

For the last several days, I have had that desire to call mom on numerous occasions. And yet again, I had to remind myself she is not there.

What used to be a phone call away does not exist any more.

Take every advantage to say 'I love you' to your loved ones. Please don't take them for granted. One day you may wake up and they won't be there.

O to have one more phone call to either my Robert or to my mom.

Living life today and going forward. Thank you Lord for your grace.

Glimmer of Hope

Since Robert's passing, I have read a lot. You see things, you hear things, some things that are helpful and some I can't seem to agree with. You hold on to those things that help you in your time of distress.

One of the things I kept seeing was how people think that our loved ones become angels. Is there really proof in the Bible regarding this? Or is it just a simple way that one wants to believe in something that really may not be real.

Some believe that our loved ones are in heaven watching over us. This one has bothered me, as I can't believe that Robert would want to watch me in my time of grief and not be able to do something about it. Plus, if I do ever remarry, do I really want him to be watching me with my new husband. Just saying, as some folks like to say.

But tonight during my GriefShare group I had a bit of a revelation. I wonder how true this could possibly be.

If when we all get to heaven, we will know each other. For Robert and I, not as husband and wife but more as brother and sister in The Lord. So my revelation was, if Robert will know me when I get to heaven, does he remember me now. Can he be praying for me, especially with the situation that I am facing with my/our house. It was a battle he fought for a few years before I joined him and now I have been carrying since he passed. He is free from the worry and the stress of carrying the battle but is he, my husband, praying for me during this time? It was a comforting thought. Time is coming closer to seeing if I will be free of this battle that he carried for many years and is now free of.

This is something that I would like to inquire from some scholars to see if there may be any truth.

Even if my Robert is not praying, as he is now about our Heavenly Father's business, I can rest assure that I do have One intercessor praying for me. Jesus is my intercessor.

A small glimmer of Hope....a small glimmer of feeling close to my Robert once again. It once again connected me to heaven like I was when he first died.

O Lord, may Your Truth be made known. To know your ways and your thoughts. Let us not be deceived in our own thinking but let Your Truth reign here on Earth as it does in heaven.

Thank you Lord for your wisdom and understanding. Thank you for your grace for these past eight months. I continue to give you my life. A broken vessel that has crumbled. You and only You can put me back together.

Hate

Hate is a very strong word. According to Webster:
A: intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury
B: extreme dislike or antipathy: LOTHING hate of hard work

Today over 8 months since losing Robert, a sense of hate stirs in my heart.

Hate that I do not have my husband.
Hate that my life has totally turned upside down.
Hate that I have to wake each morning without finding my husband in my bed.
Hate that every evening going to sleep, it is by myself.
Hate that I don't have Robert to take care.
Hate that it took me 42 years to find Robert and only had him for 5 years.
Hate that I will never see my Robert’s eyes, smile or hear his laugh or his voice.
Hate that I have to go on with life without my Robert.
Hate it that my joy has been lost. I loved my life with Robert.
Hate that now I no longer have my parents as well.

My worst nightmare has happened. I have lost my family.

The grief and loss is heavy. It is taking a toll on my body.

Can The Lord truly turn my life around?

I continue to give my life to The Lord.
I lift my eyes unto the hills, whence comes my help? My help comes from the The Lord. Psalm 121

I hurt Lord.