So, the last two days I have spent on the road. Saturday was a beautiful drive through the mountains of West Virginia, straight through Ohio all the way to Indianapolis. Knowing that these next two weeks were going to be emotional and full of lots of decisions, I asked Bob and Vicki Lichty to travel with me to help me walk through this time.
My first day back and already the tears are coming. So many decisions. How did I come to this place in my life? While it is a normal thing to lose our parents, we never want or expect it to happen. With me it happened within two years and now the task of sorting through their house and deciding what I need to keep, what I should keep and what I need to let go.
At least I thought that I was settled and knew where I was going to live while growing old with my husband, as we ran a Christian bookstore. My ministry and life revolved around Robert. And now with him gone and losing my parents all within two years, my life has taken on a huge transition with lots of emotions and tears.
While I know that they are all in a much better place, worshipping The Lord and being in His Presence, I am left to pick up the pieces.
I am reminded that we live here only for a short time. This is a temporary place. We were all created to worship and live for Christ. Our goals, our purposes, our focus should be to live our lives holy unto The Lord.
A few weeks ago, we celebrated the death and Resurrection of our Lord Jesus. It was during my church service Friday night service that I felt The Lord say to me 'There is a mark that has been laid upon your life. It's not been an easy one to walk but yet you are in my Hands. The mark is there to always remember me. Your life is mine. Remember My grace - Remember My Hand. Tell others.'
God blessed me with wonderful parents who raised me in church. They supported me through my ministry in Youth With A Mission (YWAM) for 18 years. And they gave their blessing when my husband, Robert, asked for my hand in marriage. I had 5 wonderful years with Robert. I don't feel that it was nearly long enough and would do anything to have him back.
It is now that I find my world has turned upside down, but yet, seeking and waiting on The Lord to know His plan for my life. His calling that I heard twenty-three years ago.
Is my life blessed? Yes. Did I lose those that are closest to me? Yes. Is this an emotional time? Yes.
It is still at this time, I move forward to share the wonderful news of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It's the first time I have felt all alone. Living at home with my parents till I was 25 and then going into YWAM for 18 years, being with Bob and Vicki for 10 of those years traveling the world. And now the last 5 with a precious gift from God, a man who loved God and served Him.
Live in such a way that when we find our lives in turmoil and in transition, that we know where to turn. We are made in God's image. He created us for relationship. He desires a deep relationship with Him. Even when there seems to be no hope, no future, we are never out of God's eyes.
May God get the Glory.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Help for a Hurting Heart
Where do I start? I am now over six months since I last talked to my husband. No warning. No way to prepare. It's not only losing my husband but losing my family, both my mom and my dad all within two years. It is these three people that I have been spending my days and vacations with. And now, I find myself afternoon to afternoon, to evening to evening sitting here by myself. The weekends get long. It is me that needs to reach out but yet physically I am tired and don't feel like reaching out to anyone any more. There are times during the days that I need to get with my lawyer and different folks. I still have legal issues going on with both my husband and my mom's death.
The anxiety in my heart is starting to build up in the afternoons. This just started about a week ago. But part of it, I believe, is that I am preparing to take a trip to Illinois and go through my mom's house. Still have some major decisions to make.
The pain, the hurt of not being able to talk to my husband is unbearable. To be able to feel his touch and hear him tell me everything is going to be okay.
Here I am in Newport News, a place where I moved to be with my husband almost five years ago. Trying to create a life in a city that is foreign land to me. I have gained many friends but yet, it's not the same as having family who come or call and check in on you. Waking up to a body beside you, one that you would kiss and tell them you would see them later.
There is a hole that needs to be healed. There is a God above, His name is Jesus, and I need His Healing touch.
Thank you Jesus that we can call upon you. Thank you for your Healing Hand.
The anxiety in my heart is starting to build up in the afternoons. This just started about a week ago. But part of it, I believe, is that I am preparing to take a trip to Illinois and go through my mom's house. Still have some major decisions to make.
The pain, the hurt of not being able to talk to my husband is unbearable. To be able to feel his touch and hear him tell me everything is going to be okay.
Here I am in Newport News, a place where I moved to be with my husband almost five years ago. Trying to create a life in a city that is foreign land to me. I have gained many friends but yet, it's not the same as having family who come or call and check in on you. Waking up to a body beside you, one that you would kiss and tell them you would see them later.
There is a hole that needs to be healed. There is a God above, His name is Jesus, and I need His Healing touch.
Thank you Jesus that we can call upon you. Thank you for your Healing Hand.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Finding My Way
There has been much time since I last wrote on here. So many emotions and feeling and searching right now in my life. Many unanswered questions and trying to find my way. I will try to back track through 2010 till my life now.
I am now a widow. How did I get here? Five years ago something wonderful happened in my life, a dream fulfilled to finding myself losing the love of my life. And now finding my emotions be on a roller coaster and finding tears to be my best friend, as they are always near and like to show up whenever they want to.
People tell me I'm doing good. Inside I feel I'm falling to pieces. How do you make sense of life and moving on with life without your husband.
God's Hand of Grace has been carrying me. Although, the shock and bubble that I had been in has pretty much vanished. The reality of life without Robert is setting in. It's walking through grief and recognizing the feeling that I'm going through. Facing each day with God's help.
On October 4, 2012, Robert passed away. I wrote four letters that I posted on Facebook of the last 4 days with him and before his visitation and funeral. Then, December 7, 2012 my mom had a stroke. I flew home to spend Christmas with her and on December 29, she passed away. This being less than 2 years since my dad dying on January 22, 2011. The 3 closest people to me.
How do I make sense of my life? I'm in Newport News because of Robert. I moved here to be with him. And now, I find myself trying to recreate a life for myself.
Finding my way....when Life doesn't make sense....
Trusting The Lord to continue healing me and bring joy back into my life.
I am now a widow. How did I get here? Five years ago something wonderful happened in my life, a dream fulfilled to finding myself losing the love of my life. And now finding my emotions be on a roller coaster and finding tears to be my best friend, as they are always near and like to show up whenever they want to.
People tell me I'm doing good. Inside I feel I'm falling to pieces. How do you make sense of life and moving on with life without your husband.
God's Hand of Grace has been carrying me. Although, the shock and bubble that I had been in has pretty much vanished. The reality of life without Robert is setting in. It's walking through grief and recognizing the feeling that I'm going through. Facing each day with God's help.
On October 4, 2012, Robert passed away. I wrote four letters that I posted on Facebook of the last 4 days with him and before his visitation and funeral. Then, December 7, 2012 my mom had a stroke. I flew home to spend Christmas with her and on December 29, she passed away. This being less than 2 years since my dad dying on January 22, 2011. The 3 closest people to me.
How do I make sense of my life? I'm in Newport News because of Robert. I moved here to be with him. And now, I find myself trying to recreate a life for myself.
Finding my way....when Life doesn't make sense....
Trusting The Lord to continue healing me and bring joy back into my life.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Life As Two!
Life As Two!
A change happened and I'm still adjusting. I guess after 42 years of being single, all you have to be concerned about is yourself and where you are and the responsibilities that are before you. Now with being married, it is having a house to clean, meals to cook, laundry to do, cats to feed, plus my part-time job outside the house. My flowerbed had a good start till the heat came! Outside was the last place that I wanted to be, plus the misquitos who like to have a meal off of me.
I am the Golden Retreiver personality (from the Treasure Tree by Gary Smalley and John Trent). I am cautious to make friends but once I know you are trustworthy of my trust, I will be loyal to you. With that in mind, it has been a challenge for me to build close friendships that I have been used to. Community life of 18 years made it easier for me. When you live with different roommates, work together, eat together and have similiar ministries or having the passion to follow Jesus, people are all around you and you have easier access.
Right now, I should be cleaning my house but I haven't been on here since March. My desire to write is coming back. One day, hopefully soon, I will once again be able to hold the Ancient Path seminar that I coordinate. It's a wonderful ministry that changes peoples lives! One important factor is the sanctity of marriage and the blessing of it. With getting married, we are learning each other and how to function as one. We like being together. Since we said 'I do', outside of work, we are usually together. So it's learning to combine our lives and seek God's face for continued direction. Our hearts are for ministry but it's learning to dance together to be able to touch God's people in ways that they will see Jesus in us and through our marriage. Oh Lord, this is the desire of our hearts.
Like Paul says, 'it's learning to be content in all circumstances'. The Friend that I have know since 1988 and has led me around the world is still here. I just need to lean a little harder and known that He is my forever Friend who will never leave me. It's just sometime I need Him to have flesh and bone. I love you Jesus. I gave my heart to you many years ago and I trust you now. May You be glorified through my life. Let me give each day to you and trust that You will bring across my path the people that you desire for me to touch. And thank you for the wonderful husband that you gave me. He fits me like a glove and that is what I prayed for. He is strong where I am weak. How can I ever doubt where You lead.
A change happened and I'm still adjusting. I guess after 42 years of being single, all you have to be concerned about is yourself and where you are and the responsibilities that are before you. Now with being married, it is having a house to clean, meals to cook, laundry to do, cats to feed, plus my part-time job outside the house. My flowerbed had a good start till the heat came! Outside was the last place that I wanted to be, plus the misquitos who like to have a meal off of me.
I am the Golden Retreiver personality (from the Treasure Tree by Gary Smalley and John Trent). I am cautious to make friends but once I know you are trustworthy of my trust, I will be loyal to you. With that in mind, it has been a challenge for me to build close friendships that I have been used to. Community life of 18 years made it easier for me. When you live with different roommates, work together, eat together and have similiar ministries or having the passion to follow Jesus, people are all around you and you have easier access.
Right now, I should be cleaning my house but I haven't been on here since March. My desire to write is coming back. One day, hopefully soon, I will once again be able to hold the Ancient Path seminar that I coordinate. It's a wonderful ministry that changes peoples lives! One important factor is the sanctity of marriage and the blessing of it. With getting married, we are learning each other and how to function as one. We like being together. Since we said 'I do', outside of work, we are usually together. So it's learning to combine our lives and seek God's face for continued direction. Our hearts are for ministry but it's learning to dance together to be able to touch God's people in ways that they will see Jesus in us and through our marriage. Oh Lord, this is the desire of our hearts.
Like Paul says, 'it's learning to be content in all circumstances'. The Friend that I have know since 1988 and has led me around the world is still here. I just need to lean a little harder and known that He is my forever Friend who will never leave me. It's just sometime I need Him to have flesh and bone. I love you Jesus. I gave my heart to you many years ago and I trust you now. May You be glorified through my life. Let me give each day to you and trust that You will bring across my path the people that you desire for me to touch. And thank you for the wonderful husband that you gave me. He fits me like a glove and that is what I prayed for. He is strong where I am weak. How can I ever doubt where You lead.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A Word....
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5&6
Last night pastor asked us to share a scripture that we had received in our daily quiet time or a life verse. This always brings me back to Prov. 3:5&6. This is a scripture that has spoken to my heart since becoming a follower of Jesus. Especially since getting involved in missions and leaving my 'comfort zone' of all the familiar surroundings around me. I believe we all have our comfort zones and can be very content to living within those borders. So once, stepping outside of those borders and not understanding every situation that I walked thru, I am always lead back to Prov. 3:5&6.
This being the third major move in my life and probably the hardest move with everything changing. I can only lean upon Jesus and trust that He understands everything and will bring about that understanding to me in due time. The lastest struggle with my husband's store has been a big one for me. I have traveled in and out of several countries, lived by faith for my finances for 18 years but yet this one has been the scariest for me. I guess it's the uncharted waters of not knowing what lies beneath when others are involved in what our future may look like. Although, another scripture that holds dear is "...for the battle is the Lord's, and He will give you into our hands." I Sam. 17:47b The Lord will do battle for us. He has won the victory and we shall stand on His Word and know that He is there for us! In the olden days, they led forth in songs of praise and worship for what the Lord would do for them. This brings me to each day, leading forth into songs of praise for who He is in our lives. The price He paid on the cross. And the desire He has for each one of us. I know that I/we can count on the Lord Jesus to move this mountain from before us. He has give us victory.
I love the Lord Jesus. He is number one in my life. He has been faithful for the last 18 years to provide the finances I needed to travel the world for Him. And now I can rest assure that He will provide the finances for us to continue on so that we can continue on with ministry now as a couple.
Thank you Lord for each new day!! "The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1
Last night pastor asked us to share a scripture that we had received in our daily quiet time or a life verse. This always brings me back to Prov. 3:5&6. This is a scripture that has spoken to my heart since becoming a follower of Jesus. Especially since getting involved in missions and leaving my 'comfort zone' of all the familiar surroundings around me. I believe we all have our comfort zones and can be very content to living within those borders. So once, stepping outside of those borders and not understanding every situation that I walked thru, I am always lead back to Prov. 3:5&6.
This being the third major move in my life and probably the hardest move with everything changing. I can only lean upon Jesus and trust that He understands everything and will bring about that understanding to me in due time. The lastest struggle with my husband's store has been a big one for me. I have traveled in and out of several countries, lived by faith for my finances for 18 years but yet this one has been the scariest for me. I guess it's the uncharted waters of not knowing what lies beneath when others are involved in what our future may look like. Although, another scripture that holds dear is "...for the battle is the Lord's, and He will give you into our hands." I Sam. 17:47b The Lord will do battle for us. He has won the victory and we shall stand on His Word and know that He is there for us! In the olden days, they led forth in songs of praise and worship for what the Lord would do for them. This brings me to each day, leading forth into songs of praise for who He is in our lives. The price He paid on the cross. And the desire He has for each one of us. I know that I/we can count on the Lord Jesus to move this mountain from before us. He has give us victory.
I love the Lord Jesus. He is number one in my life. He has been faithful for the last 18 years to provide the finances I needed to travel the world for Him. And now I can rest assure that He will provide the finances for us to continue on so that we can continue on with ministry now as a couple.
Thank you Lord for each new day!! "The Lord is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life; Of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
New Life...
It's only been one day since I last wrote but it's on my heart again. And with having my new laptop, it makes it real easy to be online. I have seen a pattern in my writings....'New Life'. Yes, I have a new life with getting married. Although, I had a life-changing life experience on June 19, 1988 when I walked forward in a small Baptist church in a small town just north of where I grew up.
My parents were faithful church-goers. We were there every Sunday, unless we were on vacation or the weather didn't permit. I have a perfect attendance pin to remind me of my time of going to Sunday School. It's a round pin with a circle around it with bars at the bottom for every year that I had perfect attendance. When it got the bottom, I got another circle to add more bars. I learned the books of the Bible but yet there was something still missing in my life. And that something was making Jesus Lord of my life. I was almost 23 years old when I walked forward to make that decision public. It was after a break-up with a guy that I had dated for three years. It was one of my lowest times in my life. I needed hope to bring this young girl back to life. Right before my junior year in high school, my sister was killed in a car accident. A devasting time to see life taken from somebody close to me. A day that changed my life of chosing death at that time and then having to walk it out to once again chose life.
Once Jesus was in my heart I told Him I wanted to 'make a difference'. Little did I know at the time, He would lead me into missions. Just to note that I didn't even know what missions was about. But He in His Soverienty did and He has led me these last 18 years in YWAM. With Him knowing me better than myself, He lead me in a way to touch and heal my heart and enable me to touch many others and make a difference. He gave me 'new life' and I will always be grateful to the Lord.
Although, I grew up in church, I didn't know Jesus as my Savior til I was 23. Do you know Jesus in your heart? Have you given your life to our Heavenly Father? I will always be grateful for the decision I made on June 19, 1988. It gave me 'New Life'. I pray that the Lord would continue to touch and draw you to Him.
My parents were faithful church-goers. We were there every Sunday, unless we were on vacation or the weather didn't permit. I have a perfect attendance pin to remind me of my time of going to Sunday School. It's a round pin with a circle around it with bars at the bottom for every year that I had perfect attendance. When it got the bottom, I got another circle to add more bars. I learned the books of the Bible but yet there was something still missing in my life. And that something was making Jesus Lord of my life. I was almost 23 years old when I walked forward to make that decision public. It was after a break-up with a guy that I had dated for three years. It was one of my lowest times in my life. I needed hope to bring this young girl back to life. Right before my junior year in high school, my sister was killed in a car accident. A devasting time to see life taken from somebody close to me. A day that changed my life of chosing death at that time and then having to walk it out to once again chose life.
Once Jesus was in my heart I told Him I wanted to 'make a difference'. Little did I know at the time, He would lead me into missions. Just to note that I didn't even know what missions was about. But He in His Soverienty did and He has led me these last 18 years in YWAM. With Him knowing me better than myself, He lead me in a way to touch and heal my heart and enable me to touch many others and make a difference. He gave me 'new life' and I will always be grateful to the Lord.
Although, I grew up in church, I didn't know Jesus as my Savior til I was 23. Do you know Jesus in your heart? Have you given your life to our Heavenly Father? I will always be grateful for the decision I made on June 19, 1988. It gave me 'New Life'. I pray that the Lord would continue to touch and draw you to Him.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Been awhile!
So here I am again....my computer decided to have it's video card go bad. A wonderful computer that I had for at least 5 years but now I can only see scrambles! I just got a new acer, which I'm enjoying.
Our two kitties are still learning to get along and learning to play together. Cali runs after Gi
nger, but when Ginger runs after Cali the hisses begin and the cries. Not sure if they have figured out that one has claws and the other one doesn't. Hopefully that will be our secret. It is fun having both of them in our home. They are finding that they have one thing in common. It's cute to see them sitting side by side looking out the back door.
It's that time of year and has been fun decorating and preparing for our first Christmas as a couple! We will spend it with his family and fly to Illinois the day after Christmas to spend it with my family. Hopefully the weather permitting, as they have been having snow and ice storms. Not sure I'm ready for that but I can't wait to see my parents again.
On December 14, Robert and I sang in our church Christmas cantata. A lot of fun. We had been practicing since September. It was a beautiful evening.
It's so amazing how quickly time has flown by. We celebrated our 7th month of marriage on the 17th! One day I want to write down everything that has transpired since we said 'I do'. Things are settling down for me and I'm finding my way in this new life. I'm hoping in the new year to start ministering again with my Ancient Path seminars. Plus I may have a led on another part-time position working here at home.
The Lord is faithful to give us the desires of our heart. I love being married, something I desired since I was a little girl. Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming. Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness to us!
Our two kitties are still learning to get along and learning to play together. Cali runs after Gi
nger, but when Ginger runs after Cali the hisses begin and the cries. Not sure if they have figured out that one has claws and the other one doesn't. Hopefully that will be our secret. It is fun having both of them in our home. They are finding that they have one thing in common. It's cute to see them sitting side by side looking out the back door.It's that time of year and has been fun decorating and preparing for our first Christmas as a couple! We will spend it with his family and fly to Illinois the day after Christmas to spend it with my family. Hopefully the weather permitting, as they have been having snow and ice storms. Not sure I'm ready for that but I can't wait to see my parents again.
On December 14, Robert and I sang in our church Christmas cantata. A lot of fun. We had been practicing since September. It was a beautiful evening.
It's so amazing how quickly time has flown by. We celebrated our 7th month of marriage on the 17th! One day I want to write down everything that has transpired since we said 'I do'. Things are settling down for me and I'm finding my way in this new life. I'm hoping in the new year to start ministering again with my Ancient Path seminars. Plus I may have a led on another part-time position working here at home.
The Lord is faithful to give us the desires of our heart. I love being married, something I desired since I was a little girl. Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming. Thank you, Lord, for your faithfulness to us!
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