Finding Peace in the Wilderness

One really doesn't know the road that they will travel. We make our plans but The Lord is the One who directs them. Just seven months back from today, I had no idea that I would be sitting here alone in my home. My husband dying and 3 months later mom.

It feels a bit of a wilderness right now, wandering around to find answers, a life again. What I have known the last five years of my life has vanished. What I have known the last 47 years has vanished. With Robert dying, I would have moved back to Illinois in a heartbeat to be with mom. Now, trying to figure out whether to stay or go. After 23 years of being away from Illinois, why would I move back with them no longer being alive.

And now, living in Virginia not being a part of a ministry or having my husband, I need to hear from God. Robert wasn't the reason I came to Virginia. I came in 1997 to do a school with YWAM. Then, joining Bob and Vicki Lichty for 10 years before meeting my husband on e-harmony. The Lord brought me to Virginia and I love living here. I moved to Newport News only to be with Robert.

Where is the peace? My counselor told me it would come. How long? When? There is a wilderness I'm walking through. Most of my friends in this area now are new to me since Robert died in October. The Lord has blessed me tremendously.

People tell me I'm doing good. But yet what does that mean when deep down there is a vacant hole and void in my life. So unexpectedly of losing Robert. Of one moment making plans for the future and only a matter of seconds making plans to bury the one I loved. The one who loved me. We said there no was no back door before we said 'I do'. We were committed to each other.

Jesus walked through the wilderness. He was tempted and tried. Yet He remained faithful. Only to be more like Jesus, even in my darkest hours. To be able to learn those things that only you can learn when walking thru the darkness and into the wilderness.

You look for a familiar smile, a warm embrace to know things will be okay. But yet, you find nothing, only silence. Will I learn everything I am suppose to? Will I be found faithful? Or will I lose hope? To find peace in the wilderness.

Lord, thank you for your grace. Thank you for your love. Thank you that I am not far from your sight. You see me right where I am. You know what I am walking thru. The pain that fills my heart and my mind.

A smile goes along ways but it can also hide the things hidden deep in the heart. There is a wilderness will I make it thru.

Tears for mom

It's been almost three months since losing my mom. Finally yesterday, I had tears for her and only her. Losing her three months after my husband, my grief and tears have been for Robert. At the time of her death through the visitation and funeral, it made me miss my husband more and tears have continued to be my friend almost every day.

Now being home where I grew up, I have been going through all of mom's belongings. The special things that she had placed value upon. The things that brought her joy. Her creativity of sewing, quilting, painting, crocheting, baking and so on. Her house was full of the life she offered.

Chosing carefully all that I wanted to keep and to be able to let go, I have seperated the items. Opening up the house to family members and two of mom's closest friends to come and pick items that would remind them of mom. Seeing joy and laughter once again here in the house. Mom loved humor and had it till the day she died. She always held a positive outlook on life and had a word that would bring laughter into life.

It has finally been in the last two days that my tears have found a way to come for mom. Seeing her sister and the two friends chose their items. The memories of mom with them have surficed bringing an outpouring of tears. There was a joy in watching them. I know mom would have loved the moment and desired for them to have her belongings rather than just giving them away to strangers or throwing them out. It took her 73 years to live her life and chose these things.

The biggest gift mom gave was her faithfulness with God, always going to church and being very giving. Every Sunday, we as a family went to church, unless we were sick or on vacation. For 12 years I had perfect attendance in Sunday School and have the little pins that they give at the end of each year. And for 18 years, mom and dad supported me in my call into missions. I know deep down that they desired for me to be home but yet they supported my decision.

One of mom's favorite things she would always tell me 'It will all work out.' And I found a husband that would continue to speak those same exact words. Their faith was deep. Both mom and Robert were born on the same day and died in the same year. And I can hear both of them saying 'It will all work out.'

In the midst of the heavy cloud that lingers on my life right now with such a great loss, I continue to look to the One who gave the best gift of all. Our Heavenly Father, who gave His only begotton Son, Jesus, who died for our sins.

I know He is catching my tears and bringing His Healing Hand into my life. The tears today were finally for mom and mom alone.

May you rest in peace, Betty Josephine Krug, till the day that I will be reunited with you, dad, Debbie and Robert. I love and miss you all.

God turns broken pieces into His masterpieces!

Sitting here in Illinois in my parents home. It's not the home I grew up in so the emotional ties are not as strong. I'm facing a major decision of keeping the house or selling it. Right now making small choices of what to keep and what to get rid of. Mom and dad were both collectors of many things.

We went through this about 7 years ago, when they first moved to town from the country. It was a major history maker. One that I thought would never happen. I didn't think dad would ever want to move and leave the farm house but he loved living in town. Having them in this house, helped so it hasn't been as emotional as I thought it might be.

As I sort to keep and cherish that which they have gathered over the years of their lives, it is still just stuff. The stuff had value because my mom had placed value upon it, without her still being here, the value is not the same.

Some of the decisions I am needing to make would be easier, if Robert were still here. Robert and I had plans and dreams. With his passing, leaves a hole that I didn't realize that I would be walking through so soon in my life. There are still decisions that I need to make in Virginia as well.

One of the photos on Facebook said "God turns broken pieces into His masterpieces!" Some days this feels so much like a nightmare that I cannot wake up from. I still cannot believe that I lost my husband and my mom so close to together. I wish I could fast forward in life about five years. The dark days and moments are heavy.

My broken heart and life needs God's Healing Hand. Could my life represent a masterpiece? Could He still have plans for my life? Hope and vision are key aspects. As I sit quietly waiting, my heart is broken, I have to trust that God will be here in my deepest need.

Father, I need Your Healing Touch. Thank you ahead of time.

Traveling West to Illinois

So, the last two days I have spent on the road. Saturday was a beautiful drive through the mountains of West Virginia, straight through Ohio all the way to Indianapolis. Knowing that these next two weeks were going to be emotional and full of lots of decisions, I asked Bob and Vicki Lichty to travel with me to help me walk through this time.

My first day back and already the tears are coming. So many decisions. How did I come to this place in my life? While it is a normal thing to lose our parents, we never want or expect it to happen. With me it happened within two years and now the task of sorting through their house and deciding what I need to keep, what I should keep and what I need to let go.

At least I thought that I was settled and knew where I was going to live while growing old with my husband, as we ran a Christian bookstore. My ministry and life revolved around Robert. And now with him gone and losing my parents all within two years, my life has taken on a huge transition with lots of emotions and tears.

While I know that they are all in a much better place, worshipping The Lord and being in His Presence, I am left to pick up the pieces.

I am reminded that we live here only for a short time. This is a temporary place. We were all created to worship and live for Christ. Our goals, our purposes, our focus should be to live our lives holy unto The Lord.

A few weeks ago, we celebrated the death and Resurrection of our Lord Jesus. It was during my church service Friday night service that I felt The Lord say to me 'There is a mark that has been laid upon your life. It's not been an easy one to walk but yet you are in my Hands. The mark is there to always remember me. Your life is mine. Remember My grace - Remember My Hand. Tell others.'

God blessed me with wonderful parents who raised me in church. They supported me through my ministry in Youth With A Mission (YWAM) for 18 years. And they gave their blessing when my husband, Robert, asked for my hand in marriage. I had 5 wonderful years with Robert. I don't feel that it was nearly long enough and would do anything to have him back.

It is now that I find my world has turned upside down, but yet, seeking and waiting on The Lord to know His plan for my life. His calling that I heard twenty-three years ago.

Is my life blessed? Yes. Did I lose those that are closest to me? Yes. Is this an emotional time? Yes.

It is still at this time, I move forward to share the wonderful news of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It's the first time I have felt all alone. Living at home with my parents till I was 25 and then going into YWAM for 18 years, being with Bob and Vicki for 10 of those years traveling the world. And now the last 5 with a precious gift from God, a man who loved God and served Him.

Live in such a way that when we find our lives in turmoil and in transition, that we know where to turn. We are made in God's image. He created us for relationship. He desires a deep relationship with Him. Even when there seems to be no hope, no future, we are never out of God's eyes.

May God get the Glory.

Help for a Hurting Heart

Where do I start? I am now over six months since I last talked to my husband. No warning. No way to prepare. It's not only losing my husband but losing my family, both my mom and my dad all within two years. It is these three people that I have been spending my days and vacations with. And now, I find myself afternoon to afternoon, to evening to evening sitting here by myself. The weekends get long. It is me that needs to reach out but yet physically I am tired and don't feel like reaching out to anyone any more. There are times during the days that I need to get with my lawyer and different folks. I still have legal issues going on with both my husband and my mom's death.

The anxiety in my heart is starting to build up in the afternoons. This just started about a week ago. But part of it, I believe, is that I am preparing to take a trip to Illinois and go through my mom's house. Still have some major decisions to make.

The pain, the hurt of not being able to talk to my husband is unbearable. To be able to feel his touch and hear him tell me everything is going to be okay.

Here I am in Newport News, a place where I moved to be with my husband almost five years ago. Trying to create a life in a city that is foreign land to me. I have gained many friends but yet, it's not the same as having family who come or call and check in on you. Waking up to a body beside you, one that you would kiss and tell them you would see them later.

There is a hole that needs to be healed. There is a God above, His name is Jesus, and I need His Healing touch.

Thank you Jesus that we can call upon you. Thank you for your Healing Hand.

Finding My Way

There has been much time since I last wrote on here. So many emotions and feeling and searching right now in my life. Many unanswered questions and trying to find my way. I will try to back track through 2010 till my life now.

I am now a widow. How did I get here? Five years ago something wonderful happened in my life, a dream fulfilled to finding myself losing the love of my life. And now finding my emotions be on a roller coaster and finding tears to be my best friend, as they are always near and like to show up whenever they want to.

People tell me I'm doing good. Inside I feel I'm falling to pieces. How do you make sense of life and moving on with life without your husband.

God's Hand of Grace has been carrying me. Although, the shock and bubble that I had been in has pretty much vanished. The reality of life without Robert is setting in. It's walking through grief and recognizing the feeling that I'm going through. Facing each day with God's help.

On October 4, 2012, Robert passed away. I wrote four letters that I posted on Facebook of the last 4 days with him and before his visitation and funeral. Then, December 7, 2012 my mom had a stroke. I flew home to spend Christmas with her and on December 29, she passed away. This being less than 2 years since my dad dying on January 22, 2011. The 3 closest people to me.

How do I make sense of my life? I'm in Newport News because of Robert. I moved here to be with him. And now, I find myself trying to recreate a life for myself.

Finding my way....when Life doesn't make sense....

Trusting The Lord to continue healing me and bring joy back into my life.