Perseverance

When everything in your life changes, life requires perseverance. Whether we like it or not, we have to keep going or life will pass you by.

After the death of your spouse and it feels like half of you died, you have to keep walking. Three months later when your mom dies, it comes to the point of just holding on to the One above. Letting God carry you and walk in The Lord's grace.

The blows that hit you, they hit hard. Everything you go to do is different. All those around are you are new. It's a new life. New friends. New Church. New co-workers.

Carrying grief is heavy. All the decisions you have to make takes a lot out of you. Making new friends can take a lot out you, it is a total blessing but can be weary.

Last week I started walking with a group from the college in my neighborhood. I'm getting exercise and meeting new people. Last night I went to a ladies group with a friend that I just met this year at another 'new' ladies group that I have been attending this year.

One looks for the familiar but when the familiar is not there, you have to keep going. There is no going back. Only looking forward and moving forward. At times I would love to stay in the state of grieving and shock and unbelief but I know it is not healthy. Also, I learned this with my sister's death 30 years ago. I had just turned 17 and saw life taken. I still remember my thougths 'why live if you are just going to die'. I struggled with this for many years. The Lord graciously healed me. There was a time when I had to chose to live and to chose life. It is now at this same time with losing Robert that I have to chose to live. I have to chose to go on with life.

I'm ready. I do chose life. I thank God for my time with Robert. He will always be a part of my life. He made a huge impact on my life and my life is much different today than it was five years ago.

To go on with life takes perseverance. Thank you Lord for your strength. Thank you for carrying me. Thank you for being there and never leaving me. You are my everything.

New Hope

From total exhaustion to feeling inspired...

Lots of dreams and desires going through my head. Yes, my heart is still hurting and I know there are still tears to shed but I feel a sense of hope.

New Bucket List as some folks say:

Travel to Oregon to see my sister Cindy.
Travel to California to see my friend Lisa.
Travel to Arkansas to see my friend Donna.
Possibly 2014 (if they still do the trips) a mission trip to Morocco with friends from Spain.

Still lots to do. Still feel weak. But a new day is coming.

Thank you Lord for your hope in my heart. I continue to give you my life. Only in You and You alone comes my strength.

Total Exhaustion

On Friday, May 17, I celebrated what would have been our 5th Anniversary getting the car oil changed, having lunch with a friend and a bit of shopping. Then, I thought another friend was coming for the weekend but her car broke down and I spent the weekend by myself.

In some ways, it was probably better. My body hit total exhaustion. There is a battle that my husband and I faced. Something that my husband was walking through alone till we got married. It was a heavy battle. Now, I just got word from my lawyer this past week and I think the battle is about over. With all of the grief of losing Robert and my mom, as well as, being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. And as my lawyer said 'he doesn't think there is a train there'. My body gave way.

It has been a long time, but yesterday I did absolutely nothing but check facebook, email, play solitaire and watch movies. Now today I am still tired but plan on going to church.

Our plans have been moved to next weekend for getting together. Still looking forward to my time with my friend.

There are times when we have to give ourselves permission to grieve, time to rest and let our bodies heal.

Lord, I welcome You to come and strengthen my body. I thank you Lord that the battle belongs to you. I thank you for your faithfulness.

The battle is almost over.

Not A Surprise

Knowing God's Character, I feel this day that nothing is a surprise for Him. He knows every hair on our head. He knows us so intimately. He knows when we wake and we lie down to sleep.

As I experienced in Israel back in 2006, God knew where I was. I was lost in a city by myself but yet He was there. He showed Himself in a very real way. It is now with those same thoughts that nothing is a surprise for Him. I count it a privilege to have Robert for the five years that I did. Today as I write this, it would have been our 5th Anniversary. My heart is grateful for the time that I had with him. I miss him terribly. My body has taken such a shock, I am weak and tired. I have no strength. Even when I'm walking and trying to eat right, my body is still weak.

My thoughts are wondering if I will ever have strength again. But one thing I know is that The Lord has not left me. Robert dying was not a surprise to Him. I was committed to my husband. We walked through some rough times, but I was committed to my husband and the covenant that I made before God. He is faithful. I am blessed beyond measure that I can serve our Lord, that I can put my trust in Him.

He saw Robert's desire to be married. I believe, The Lord saw what Robert would be walking through and he knew Robert would need a helpmate. I am so grateful that He counted me worthy to bring me into Robert's life when He did. I wished it would have been longer but I believe God sees the Big pictures of our lives. He was taken too soon but yet we live in a fallen world.

It is living our lives with 'No Regrets'. No one knows the last breathe they will take. Live your life fully unto The Lord.

Lord you are faithful. I continue to give you my life.

Living Life

When your whole world changes, what do you do? Figuring life out once again.

My life for the last 5years revolved around Robert and the bookstore. Whatever I did, I did for the two of us. Working part-time, paying bills, cleaning the house, mowing, laundry and whatever else I found to do. Then, usually most days heading to the store to spend some time with Robert. While at the store, we would need to find books, get them packaged up and then I would bring them home to finish bagging them to get them in the mail. We had over 17,000 books for sell on-line. It kept us busy.

So, now, I work part-time Monday-Friday 8:30-12:30 at a church. The rest of my time is for me to get things accomplished from both deaths. Still working on legal matters and needing to go through both houses and get rid of more stuff.

There are times now, where I am so tired so I do facebook quite a bit. And I day dream to find myself and the desires of my heart. Where? When? Why? How? What? Life is open to whatever I want to make of it now. I am no longer connected to anything or anyone. For 47 years, mom and dad were always there. Then, when I was 25 I went into YWAM. I knew The Lord wanted me to be apart of it and didn't feel the release from that ministry till I got married 18 years later. In 1997, I joined Bob and Vicki and traveled and ministered all over. Vicki was the one who got me on E-harmony whre I met and married Robert. Then, last summer I was released of being a coordinator with another ministry. And now, with both deaths, it is left with me with God.

Now, don't get me wrong, Bob and Vicki are still very much in my life. I have cousins, aunts and uncles and my grandma all who live out in Illinois. I have many friends all over the world and continue to gain more friends which I am so grateful for.

It's just now. I am living in a city unfamiliar to me except for the last 5 years of my life. I feel the whole world is open to me. I believed going into YWAM that God wanted to set me free. I had a lot of bondages and hurts especially with losing my sister when I just turned 17. Now, that I sit here and write this, that is what I felt The Lord told me when I went to YWAM that He was going to set me free, to heal me. How do you get healing with all the deaths that are involved with one's life. But I can rejoice because I know where they all are. It is getting through this grief that is upon me right now. There are no short cuts. There are no handguides to lead you. Each greif walk leads a different path for everyone.

I believe that God brought me into Robert's life for the last 5 years of his life. We/I thought we had more time together but we didn't. I am still living and I chose to live and get healing from losing my husband. I was able to bring joy and love and a safe haven for Robert to come home to. He carried a heavy load, one of which I'm still carrying but I'm hoping it is coming to an end soon.

It is now, I feel the door is wide-open for life. I'm seeing a counselor, I am a part of GriefShare which I feel is very timely for me. I just joined a group of women with one gentleman walking over at the college beside me. Wednesday nights I go to the church for a meal. And I have joined a ball room dancing group. There are other things on my heart and I want to venture out and see where it takes me. Growing up as a shy, farm girl, I didn't experience much and I was to afraid to do things by myself. It is now in my life, that I am doing things by myself. And I'm making it.

Yes, the afternoons and evenings get long. Yes, the weekends get long. But I am making it and I know that God is healing me.

Where will my life lead to? It's the first time since becoming a christian that I don't feel like ministry, although I think that may come back once I get stronger. Right now, my body is weak. I'm tired but my battle from the last 5 years is hopefully coming to an end.

Jesus died on the Cross to set us free. He desires to use us. He longs to give us the desire of our hearts. I know one day I will be joined again to Robert. Not as husband and wife but as children of God.  That day that we all should long for.

I chose this day to live life. The life that Jesus died for to bring Him glory. My desire is that my life would be an example and that others would desire to know our Lord Jesus Christ.

How are you living your life?

Spring Season

Took my nightly walk. The weather is great for me. Most would say it is too cold but I like the cooler weather. Walking around my familiar neighborhood, I passed the ball field on the way home. It is the ball field that has caused me to live where I do.

Over twenty-six years ago, my husband played ball on that field and umpired for at least 18 years. When this house became available, he looked at is and bought it, as is. His thoughts at the time were that his wife could do whatever she wanted to do with the house. Little did he know that it would take him another twenty years to find his wife. It was a bachelor pad when I first moved in. I think some of my first blogs on here talks about it.

Our little house became our home. First for my husband, then for us together for a short time and now for me. It is that time of year that was always crazy for us. He was a fast-pitch umpire. Usually mid-March would start the season till the end of school, about three months. I was always ready for the break and for the pay check to pay bills.

I have so many fond memories going with him to his games. He was a proud peacock with his wife tagging along. I would take my pink chair and sit behind the catchers mound or first base, depending which plate he was covering. I learned to appreciate the game. Being the umpire's wife, I knew that I needed not to cheer for either team. Most of the time the folks didn't know who I was. Some would look at me and wonder who I was and why was I sitting on their side. And there were those that did know.

Every opportunity that Robert would get, he would come and talk and share with me. Last spring I started going with him to his slow ball games to learn how to keep score. I was getting good but the opportunity never came. I thought maybe in the fall. My fall took another turn.

Sitting behind the catcher's mound with my husband right before me growling at the outs, is something that I had to grieve. My life changed. As I go by that field in the mornings on the way to work and as I walk beside it for my nightly walk, there is a little twing in my heart. Sometimes the tears weld up in my eyes, sometimes I can cherish the memories and sometimes it hurts. I hope one day that I will be able to go to another ball game. It's the spring season for ball players, but it is the weeping season for me. One day, maybe, I will be able to cherish the many games where I got to watch my hubby umpire.

It's knowing the seasons in our life. Taking one day at a time. Walking in God's grace.

Thank you Lord for your grace. Thank you Lord for your healing.

Alone Time

Once again, only five years later I deal with being single. It feels different this time. I had five years with someone I loved. I found love. But it once again facing alone time.

It's easier to be alone when you know someone is going to be coming home. Or someone will be phoning you. This time I have my two cats who like to keep me company when I sit on the couch. Cali likes to follow where ever I am. Ginger every minute she can likes to sit on my lap. But yet, I can sit here all day long and get no phone calls. There are many I could call but trying to figure out who is available and wants to talk or do something.

It is a conscious endeavor to keep ahead of the moment and day to keep myself busy. Although, I need my down time. I like to clean and do laundry things here around the house on Saturday mornings.

When I'm home the tv is always on, but I am rarely watching it. A lot of times it is just high enough to hear it. It seems my ears ring all the time from the silence that echoes through the house.

It is once again finding peace with 'alone time'. It is making a conscious effort to create a life. I have experienced a lot with being in missions, having a husband and losing him and losing three others in my family. From being a shy farm girl who traveled the world to living in a city foreign land to her.

There is a lot more to do here but I still only want to do those things that God would have me do. I don't want to do things just to keep busy. But for now I rest. There is still a lot I am carrying. I am in need of a miracle with my house. My quote 'God will meet all your needs.'

Thank you Lord for your faithfulness.